Eden and Church Funnies

  Last Sunday we attended our Kilauea ward for the first time.  It seems like a wonderful ward - of course, the Honomu branch was so incredibly welcoming and reached out to each one of us that it would be hard to beat, but the Kilauea ward is very warm and inclusive as well.  We are excited to participate and serve there!  Eden and Lucy were absolute pumpkins, due to all the moving around and unpredictable scheduling, but thankfully Nate was on standby for work, so it was two on two.  During one of the talks, Eden was wriggling around to look at the family behind us.  She began to quietly sing, "Where are you, tall man? Oh, where are you?"  My eyes were on her, but I was trying to listen to the speaker, so my attention really wasn't.  Besides, she always has to fumble a little bit with her fingers before she can get one of them to stand up alone.
  Not this time!  Right on cue, she held up her hand and perfectly flipped off the family behind us!  I grabbed her hand and we all dissolved into (mostly) silent, shaking giggles.  Eden just looked at me, puzzled, innocent, and utterly hilarious.
  The week before that, when I went to pick her up from nursery, the Primary president couldn't say enough good things about her.  She was amazed at her verbal ability ("I can't believe I was standing there having a full conversation with a two year old!!") and the way she paid attention and interacted in Primary.  I almost fell over, though, when she said, "Her name is Belle, right?"  Apparently Eden does just fine introducing herself when we are not around!!
 (Actually, since we moved out here, Eden has taken to introducing herself as a character from her favorite movies or stories.  I probably mentioned it before, but it got pretty extreme during all our moving around.  She had so many new people asking her name every day that she got very good!  Its very rarely her own real name!  Although its funny, it can be a little odd/embarrassing, and I have struggled to know how to handle it.  Do I just let it go?  Correct her?  Laugh?  Pay no attention?  She's not doing it for my sake or play a trick or make a joke, she's sincerely introducing herself!  For a few days when it got really extreme, I found myself laughing and saying something like, "She wishes!" or "Now tell them your real name," but I felt bad about those responses - I don't want to be rude to my own daughter!  Its still funny, and still happens, but now I mostly just smile and only explain if necessary.)
  (Edited to add:)
  Saturday night, we packed up our dinner, and Nate took us all to a little school playground for an evening picnic.  There was a lovely little hill overlooking the play area, and as it was almost dark, only one other couple there with a little boy about Eden's size.  They were sitting on the hill, watching him play down below, when we got there, and we sat a little way off to eat our food.  As soon as Eden saw the playground, she begged to go play first, and eat later.  We let her go, and admired the confidence and agility with which she navigated the equipment.  She even climbed up that twirly ladder thing and after a few tries, successfully stepped over to the main play platform!  Her interaction with the little boy seemed minimal, but friendly.  A few minutes later, another mom and young boy, probably 5 or so, showed up.  Eden immediately wanted to make friends, and although we couldn't hear very well, we watched her join in a game of chase with great glee.  First the bigger boy, then Eden, then the little boy, went racing around the slides and stairs.  When they came around the other side, however, the order was reversed, and the little boy was running as fast as he could go!  He headed off the padded area, making a beeline for his parents, and as they got a little closer, we heard him screaming, "WAAAAA! Waaaa!  Moooommmmmyyy!!!! WAAAA!!"  and saw Eden leaping after him, roaring like a beast, with fingers hooked into claws!!!  I couldn't believe my eyes!!  We tried to reprimand a little, but we were all laughing in disbelief (the little boy's parents included.)  They sent him back down to play, and a few minutes later it happened again!  It was time for them to go, and Eden came panting up to eat some dinner.  We were talking about what had happened, and she kept asking, "But why?  Why was the little boy running away from me?"  We hadn't been close enough to hear what started it, so we could only explain so much, when suddenly she said, "Maybe because I bit him."
   "Really??!!"
  "No, not really.... We were just playing..."
  But later, as we got in the van and she mentioned it again, I asked if she really did, and she said yes.  Oh, dear.  I hope not!!!

Mud Puddles

I felt so convicted in my heart today!  Sometimes, church is hard for me because, I realize, I am focused on all my responsibilities, my jobs, my calling vs. my mothering, my abilities to do what I think is needed or expected of me, the struggles to get my children acting the way they should so that they, and I, and those around us, can get anything out of the meetings.  I end up feeling inadequate and judged and defensive and hostile.

Wow! Writing it out is pretty harsh!

You know, that’s a sin.

Not a sin like murder or denying the Holy Ghost, or even maybe like stealing or lying, but a more pernicious and undermining one.  Those others are so obviously wrong that they are like huge pits.

“Oh, look! There’s a pit! Drive around it! Don’t fall in! Stay far away!” is the natural reaction.

Whereas, this…

This is like mud, starting shallow, and gradually becoming a quagmire, a sinking slime of quicksand.

A little mud is not a problem, right?

I mean, you can just drive right on through and come up on the other side just fine; wash the splashes off and none the worse for wear.  We all get muddy every so often, right?

Ok.

Right.  Much of the time that’s true.

But what about when the mud only gets deeper?  How can you tell, just by looking, whether it's a surface puddle or a deep morass?

You can’t always.  And you can’t always avoid the puddles.  But you can avoid some of them.  And thankfully, if you do find yourself in one of those puddles, you can choose where your intake valve is.  If its low, you’re going to suck up water and your motor will totally die – not only will you be spinning tires, you’ll internalize the water, the darkness, the sin, and you will lose that power, that light, that desire in yourself to keep going and get out of the mud.

If its high, you can keep that internal drive, even if you end up spinning tires for a while.  Thankfully, there is a celestial tow service on call.

Often the tow, the jump (if needed) comes from one of their agents here on earth.  After all, to paraphrase a prophet, the Lord hears our prayers, but it is often through a brother or a sister that he answers them.

But even when there is no one around us, no mortal nearby, no physical hand to hold, no warm arms to hug, no audible voice to hear,

Even then, He is there.

Jesus is our Savior.  He WILL save us, if we just ask and reach out to him.  The real sin of my heart in these times is a lack of faith, a lack of focus on Him, that allows me to be so bogged down and depressed.  That lack separates me from His marvelous love and light just as surely as one of the more “serious” sins would, yet I am less likely to notice and change myself, and it is less likely that I will be chastened, uplifted, encouraged, or gently brought along by my brothers and sisters.

(Not that I want anybody to come after me all the time with lectures and sermons and preachiness!! J I’m not asking for a personal avenging angel on my case!  I really appreciate the opportunity to exercise my agency and grow at my own pace, in my own personal relationship and walk with Christ!  I just mean, if we knew that there was a sister who was tempted to or in a situation where one of those more serious sins threatened, wouldn’t we be more apt to reach out, include, talk about our faith, show encouraging examples, praise the Lord (openly, though not ostentatiously) for his power and mercy, etc?  Like I said, I don’t want/need anyone to do anything different toward me – this is just my musings, working things over in my mind.)

Anyway, it is true.

I do need to do better.

There are some things I need to be more mindful of, more careful of.

Repentance is in order.

But most of all, the repentance that I need is the one that turns my heart away from my own small self,

my own failings (real and perceived),

my little wallow of pity-party and resentment and lack,

 and focuses on He who is the Light of the World,

He whose grace can make my weak things become strong,

 He whose strength is made perfect in weakness and

He loves me so much that He died for me.

It really is that simple.

It really is.

Now to do it.

(This started as a personal reflective writing, somewhat stream-of-consciousness, but then the puddle of mud metaphor came out of nowhere and I was reminded of several times we or various acquaintances here in Alaska have gotten stuck in puddles, or pits, or boggy mud out in the middle of the woods... and the rest just came out. ;) 

Today's Relief Society Lesson and Me

This week's Relief Society lesson was all about character, integrity, and one's standing before the Lord.  I have to confess, I have really slacked (up to this point) on reading the lessons in preparations for Sundays.  I know I should, I know I would get more out of each meeting and be able to contribute better, but there are so many reasons why I just haven't done it.
Thursday was a stake leadership training meeting.  Of course, I couldn't go, but they had it all set up so that we could call in like we do for church and at least listen to what went on.  Calling in has its pro's and cons.  I love being able to sit on my couch with my feet up and my pajamas on, nursing my baby as she needs it, while still attending my meetings and fulfilling my calling.  (For church on Sundays, we do dress up and try to make it a little more formal.)  However, I don't like not always being able to hear or tell exactly what's going on, and the trickiness of participating highly discourages that kind of connection.  The one piece of counsel that I heard, remembered, and applied was the admonishment to at least read, if not study, the lesson prior to Sunday, not only for my own benefit but so that I could contribute to the lesson and help the teacher out if needed.
So I read the lesson.
And, as I knew it would, it blessed my life.
One part struck me, not so much while reading it on my own, but definitely during the lesson.  The paragraph reads-
     "We must hearken to ... whisperings (of the Holy Ghost) and conform to its suggestions, and by no act of our lives drive it from us.  It is true that we are weak, erring creatures...but so soon as we discover ourselves in a fault, we should repent of that wrongdoing and as far as possible repair or make good the wrong we may have committed.  By taking this course we strengthen our character, we advance out own cause, and we fortify ourselves against temptation; and in time we shall have so far overcome as to really astonish ourselves at the progress we have made in self-government, and in improvement."
Our teacher asked for some of us to share experiences regarding these words, and, as the staticky moments ticked on without comment, I searched my brain for a something to say, some way to "help" my teacher out. What floated up really amazed me, and though perhaps it didn't help anyone else, it opened my perspective again to the work Heavenly Father is doing in my life.
When we came here, last year, it was the beginning of a really hard time for me.  So many things about this situation have really pushed me beyond what I thought were my limits.  More than once - many times, actually - I felt the darkness of depression, despair, discouragement, loneliness, anger, frustration, and misunderstanding settle over me, and found myself struggling to see the light.  Through much effort, faith, and time, I gradually came out of that darkness into a certain resigned, if consciously blinder-ed, contentment, and from there to a real peace and a joyful life again.  I rejoiced to leave for the holidays and Lucy's birth.  I privately, and publicly, hoped to never return. :)  And when we made the decision to come back for another 8 months, I cried.  And yet...
Somehow, its different this time around.  It may be partly because of the end in sight, and partly because I'm not dealing with the physical and emotional effects of pregnancy, but I think its more than that.  I looked back at my difficult Alaska summer during my time of strengthening and rejoicing in California and wondered how I could have been such a  "weak, erring creature."  Why was it so hard?  Was I just a wimp?  Was I just making mountains out of molehills?  If I look at it that way, then some of of this blog is a pretty embarrassing look at my vulnerabilities and struggles.
I prefer not to look at it that way.
Rather, let's consider it from this angle.  Weakness is a natural state of being.  Its how we all start.  Anything. We may find natural talent, or ease, in a situation or skill, and perhaps certain other strengths, previously developed, give us a headstart, but no one is strong at the very beginning.  Strength is developed.  Therefore, weakness and struggle is not something to be ashamed of!  It is a start, an opportunity, a sign that you are still living and growing and progressing.  A sign that you are human, just one of a large family of people who each struggle in their own way and time.
So I look back, and I look forward, and I ponder my present state, and I "astonish myself at the progress I have made in self-government and improvement."
Isn't it amazing what we learn about ourselves when we do what we know we should? :)

Renewed, Recharged

Well, here we are, back in King Salmon.

My feelings about that have run the whole spectrum, but now I have resigned myself to the fact - in fact, embraced it - and here we are.

I just have to say what a blessing it was, in so many ways, to spend these last few months down in California, at my parents house.

It was a blessing to have so much help with Eden, to be taken care of physically, to not have to worry about cooking or cleaning (much), in those last bulky weeks of pregnancy and first overwhelmed weeks of postpartum recovery.

It was a blessing to reconnect with my sisters and brothers and their families at our leisure, not only in light conversation at rare whole family gatherings.

It was a blessing to spend time co-mothering my children and nieces and nephews with my own mother, with my sisters.

It was a wonderful blessing to have such lovely weather, such freedom to be outside, myself, and even better, to let Eden run and play in the sun and grass and gravel, exploring the fields and roads for the first time.

It was a blessing for Eden to be with two of her older cousins practically all day, every day, and to learn from them and with them.

And it was a special blessing to be able to attend church, to physically go to church and sit in the church building, to see and talk with and serve the Saints, to feel the fire of my faith renewed and my life recharged every Sunday as the one little solitary coal of my soul was placed back into the glowing warmth of so many others' faith and testimony.

Thank you, Wheatland Ward.  

Every Sunday, I was aware of being strengthened and prepared for these coming months through all of you.  So, thank you.

Sabbath Eve Thoughts

My little bundle of energy is finally asleep.  

Whew! 

Finally!

This business of moving from two to one naps is wearing both of us out, but one of us is not willing to admit it at all. ;)  But when she goes down for the night, she is out!  And I have some time to, well, usually clean.  Or collapse early into bed myself.  Or wait up for my dear husband.  Or surf the web looking at fabric and patterns and reading other random blogs and homeschooling information. :) 

(And, by the way, I must apologize for the dearth of pictures lately!  Nate did show me how to get them from my phone to the blog but... I kind of forgot.  And haven't taken the time to figure it out again.  But I will soon! And you will be refreshed in the visual department, and delighted, as I am daily, with our beautiful, growing girl, and maybe even a shot of the growing baby belly too!)

Anyway, tonight, as I was laying there in the dark bedroom, putting Eden to sleep, feeling her little hands twining through my hair, I was pondering.  My phone was playing a recording of "Fishers of Men," and the beautiful music and testimonies both soothed my spirit and ignited my own chain of pondering.  The voices of the prophets diminished in my hearing, and I began considering the various parts of my life, questions I wanted to ask Nate about the Priesthood (as a side note, it is fascinating to me to learn from a priesthood holder all sorts of details about the priesthood and priesthood service that I never learned!) and opportunities to serve in various capacities that have been given to me.   

I have to admit, probably to my shame, that when I'm given a new calling, my first thought is not always joyful and excited.  In fact, oftentimes the first thought that comes into my head is, "Really?!  Why me?!"  Why me, sometimes in that I've-already-got-a-lot-on-my-plate, are-you-sure-you-want-me type way, but more often why me in the sense that I know very well my own limitations, struggles, and lack of experience and I know that there are other people who are much more qualified and better able to do this job!  

So I wonder, "Why me?"

But I say yes, because I'm not going to say no to the Lord, no matter how much I want to. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who has struggled with this!)

Well, tonight I realized that my YES is all He wants.

He doesn't need my skills.

He doesn't need my time.

He doesn't need my particular talents.

I'm not so special that He only wants me to fill this calling 'cause nobody else could do it, or do it better.

In fact, to mortal eyes, my own included, my serving in this calling might have no important effect.

He is able to do His own work.

He doesn't need me to do it.

What He needs, for His work and His glory, (that is, my immortality and eternal life) is my yes.  What He needs for His work and His glory (that is, the immortality and eternal life of all His children) is that some of us say yes.  He will work through us.  But we must say yes.

Of course, saying yes includes giving my skills, my time, my talents, everything I can and need to, to the particular ministry with which I am entrusted at the time, but beyond that, it lies in His hands.  The outcome, outside of me, is up to Him.  The outcome, inside of me, is up to me.  If I say yes to Him, regardless of what He asks and does with my offering, His work will be done in my heart and my life, 

and isn't that what I want?

I said yes when I was baptized.  And I meant it, with all my eight-year-old heart.

I had the opportunity to say yes again as I passed through the temple to receive my endowment,

and I did so, with much fuller understanding and intent.

So why does it matter now?

Why do I need to say yes when the Lord asks me to do this thing?

Because those yes's must be lived out every day, or in reality, what do they mean?

Anyway, just some thoughts on the eve of this week's Sabbath.  I can't do it all, sometimes I think I can't really do much, but I can say yes.  He'll do with it what He wants.  

And I'll get some pictures up tomorrow, I promise!

Church in the Bush Branch

One of the first things we wondered about, and indeed, many people asked about, was the size and functioning of the church up here.  We have been blessed to live, so far, in places with a strong membership and active wards, and that is something you can begin to take for granted.  The church, our callings, serving one another, visiting teaching, home teaching, long drives to the temple, all the various meetings on Sunday and Wednesday nights - sometimes it is even easy to grumble and murmur a little at the amount of our lives it all takes up!  And oftentimes, it is a considerable sacrifice.

But there's nothing like not having all of that to wake you up to the blessing it really is.

We have never had to wonder 

who to call with questions about the community,

where to turn for help with moving furniture,

how to find others who share our faith,

who will help give blessings in times of sickness,

and so much more.

Though we've lived across the continent from our families, we have been surrounded by family.

Literal brothers and sisters.

So blessed.

But now, we have the opportunity to grow and experience life without a lot of that support.

Perhaps be that support to others.

So this is how church  in the Bush Branch goes.  The Bush Branch, by the way, is based in Anchorage and encompasses a geographical area larger than all of Texas.  The "bush" country of Alaska.  We have a branch presidency that lives in Anchorage, and an elder's quorum and Relief Society presidency that have been great about contacting us already with newsletter emails and a phone call for Nate.  On Sundays, we call a 1-800 number that hooks us up to a conference call based at the chapel (I think) in Anchorage.  Priesthood is at 9am, followed by sacrament meeting, which proceeds quite normally.  Of course, there are some differences.  Roll is called over the phone and visitors get to announce who and where and how many they are. They can see your phone numbers, so you don't speak up and they don't know you, they'll ask!

You put your phone on mute and listen while the speakers give their talks, and sing along with the hymns as they are played over the phone.  When its time for the sacrament, the conducting brother says, "We'll now have the sacrament," and there is a long pause to bless and take your own.  (We had pretzel sticks and some water in an appetizer cup the first time!)

Sunday school is pretty much as usual, except, of course, if you want to comment you have to un-mute your phone and interject who you are before you do so.  I actually really enjoyed it; I felt like I had to pay closer attention to get anything out of it, and the deeper personal engagement really brought the Spirit to the lesson for me.  There also has to be more active participation than a normal sunday school class. Obviously non-verbal participation doesn't work out very well and if you don't speak up, the teacher is left talking the WHOLE time, so it kind of pulls your thoughts out of you.  At least it did for me. :) Relief Society was that way too.  Even though we only know of a few other families in this area that are LDS, and have only even met two of them, it was wonderful to feel the Spirit and light that come as we sing and pray and worship and discuss the restored gospel together.  

There is a little chapel here, as there used to be a branch.  Apparently too many people moved away, so it was merged with the Bush Branch, but I think it would be great if we could get enough of us together to organize a new branch and open the building!