Quick Update on Our Life

   Time is flying by, and my little babes are growing up!  I wanted to write some of these moments down and preserve them, since the journal has been gathering dust in a box for many months now...

  Lucy is our little love.  I know I'm so much more relaxed with her at this age than I was with Eden, partly because of the difference in our circumstances and the toll that took on all of us, partly because Eden was the first and I didn't know any better, and partly because when Eden was this age (17 months) Lucy was born.  Having neither another baby nor even another pregnancy so far, Lucy reaps the benefits in patience and energy.  She is also just a different personality than Eden, which certainly makes a difference in our relationships!  However, she doesn't just lay back and rest on the baby laurels. She is very steadily and persistently growing up right under my nose.  Every night I look at her, sprawled on the bed, and think, "When did she get to be so LONG!"  She loves to put on shoes, even my high heels, and hats to a lesser degree.  She's saying all sorts of words, from "bucket" to "monster," (with the appropriate big eyed, apprehensive look), and signs & says, "More More More," and all the others from baby signing time.  She just recently potty trained, so now her cute little bottom is in panties during her waking hours.  Sometimes she'll come running and tell me, "Potty! Potty!" but mostly she will just hold it til I take her, and since I take her at reasonable intervals, we stay clean and dry! I love it! :)  Lucy loves her Daddy, going to church, tasty food, and when Eden wakes up, and expresses her excitement at all of the above, and anything else, by letting off an ecstatic scream at the top of her lungs.  She has to cover her mouth if she wants to scream so in the car, but otherwise it just makes me laugh to see her so very excited.  Reading is, of course, a preferred activity, and her favorite book, currently, is an illustrated edition of the Wizard of Oz, that Arlie and Tory sent to us.  Its too longwinded to read to them, but we page through it and tell the story, hooking it to the pictures.  She chooses it every time I send her to go get a book, and will even sit and look through it on her own!  Lucy is Eden's devoted sidekick.  She sometimes suffers for her proximity (kicked, pushed, water dumped on her head, steam-rolled, etc), and Eden has several times been caught inciting her to do what I just told her not to, but I love to see them sitting side-by-side against the kitchen wall, eating snacks together, with Eden's arm casually draped over Lucy's shoulder, just happy to be together.  And Lucy knows very well how to come running to Mama with a tattle to share, and is learning to fight back. :/ One of their favorite (?) new things to do is, if Lucy says, "I want it!" (which sounds a lot like "Ah-ahhnt!") Eden gets right in her face, nose to nose, and shouts back, "No, I want it!" and then its Lucy's turn and then its Eden's turn, on and on until/unless I put a stop to it.  They are definitely quarreling, but with an odd spark of perverse delight in both of them.  But Lucy is a lover, very kind and compassionate.  If she even has a hint that you are hurt or upset, she will come over and lavish hugs and kisses all over, until you basically have to tell her to stop.  And if Daddy is giving out kisses before he leaves for work, she makes sure he gives us each one so no one is forgotten. :)

Eden is also growing up, and I see more and more signs of the three year old she will be in a month!  More self-control, more desire to understand, more ability and desire to follow directions, to mimic actions in a meaningful sequence.  Extreme imagination and burning desire to "play with someone," and pretend all day long.  If you see any pictures of her from the last 6 months, chances are she is wearing her ball-gown, a pink plaid maternity shirt with the neckline taken in to prevent shoulder slippage.  Her other favorite outfit consists of a large onesie (her "ballerina-tard"), a purple sparkly tutu from Grandma Sue, and thick purple tights.  I don't know how she stands wearing them, as most days I am melting into a puddle of sweat in our house, but woe betide anyone who dares to refuse her the chance to wear them!  Eden loves to watch ballets, and as I prefer that media fare to most Disney (and certainly all recent films!) she's seen Peter and the Wolf, Swan Lake, The Nutcracker (more times than I can count!) and Cinderella, and begs to see them again and again.  We do a lot of dancing to satisfy the ballet itch!  Just the other week, she spent the day at a friend's house while Nate and I went to the temple, and watched Frozen.  Duhn-duhn-duhn!!! We'd avoided it til now, but she came home, singing, "Let it Go!!! Let it Go!!!" and draping herself in a purple blanket to be a very dramatic Elsa.  That was ALL we heard about for the next week, and it was driving me CRAZY!  I don't know how all those with kids addicted to it, stand it!!! She even told me, "I don't have to hold your hand or stay on the sidewalk on our walks.  I have the freezing powers in my hands and I can just FREEZE the cars so they don't get me! For real!!!"  That was a little scary! So I checked out "St. George and the Dragon," illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman, from the library.  Worked like a charm.  Frozen was relegated to the sidelines, and we read George, danced George, pretended George, and retold George at bedtimes and naps.  Forget Elsa, Eden was now Una, the dragon lurked around every corner, and Daddy was the Red Cross Knight!  Of course, Eden's character is such that while she willing fled for her knight when danger presented itself, she also wanted to get in there and be right by his side fighting the dragon.  :)  Another time, while we were reading Beatrice Potter's "Two Bad Mice," the mice were angry to find that the food wasn't real and began throwing things out the windows.  Eden said, "If I was there, I would throw them out the window!"  And while watching Cinderella's sisters ruin her dress, she exclaimed, "They shouldn't do that! If I was there, I would rip up their dresses!!!"  She has a strong and innate sense of protective and proactive justice!  As all little ones, Eden certainly gets into her share of naughtiness, and recently, when she does, will call out, "Don't see me!" or if we are right there watching, will cover her eyes with her hand while she does the mischief, as if we can't see her if she can't see us.  It is hilariously exasperating!  Mostly, though, those moments come about when she is over-tired, or hungry, or bored and seeking attention.  When she is good, she is very, very good, and she certainly wants us to be happy with her.  She tells us often and expressively, "I LOVE you, Mommy! I love you so much. I love you two, three, ten!"  Nate and I sometimes take turns with the bedtime routine, and sometimes she will pre-emptively request my presence at bedtime before we have even sat down for dinner.  Her eyes are still a sparkly hazel,though she says they are white and green, and sometimes insists they are pink (as pink is still the queen of colors around here) and her hair, which she insists is blond, is caramel brown corkscrew curls.  I love it!  We are learning how to help it stay curls and not just frizz out as it gets longer.

   I am doing very well myself. A few months ago, I got inspired and cut myself a set of side-swept bangs.  Due to a cowlick in the front center of my hairline and fairly curly hair myself, I've never had bangs, but somehow I thought it was a good idea....  When I got started, I kept thinking, hmm, that's not quite right, and snipping more, and more, and suddenly I looked at myself and thought, "AAAHHHHH! What have I done!!!??? Put down the scissors, bobby pin it all back, and hope it grows quickly!!!"  But after a few days of experimentation, I figured it out and actually was quite pleased with it!  However, I did realized that Hawaii is the wrong place to cut bangs or layers around your face.  They make you so much hotter, and not in the desirable way!  So while I don't regret doing it, mostly I just roll or clip them back unless I'm going on a date without children to an air-conditioned location.  ;)  Our ward is wonderful.  Our house is what we need.  Our job provides for us and allows Nate to be home an extreme amount of time. Our life is good. :)

Eden and Church Funnies

  Last Sunday we attended our Kilauea ward for the first time.  It seems like a wonderful ward - of course, the Honomu branch was so incredibly welcoming and reached out to each one of us that it would be hard to beat, but the Kilauea ward is very warm and inclusive as well.  We are excited to participate and serve there!  Eden and Lucy were absolute pumpkins, due to all the moving around and unpredictable scheduling, but thankfully Nate was on standby for work, so it was two on two.  During one of the talks, Eden was wriggling around to look at the family behind us.  She began to quietly sing, "Where are you, tall man? Oh, where are you?"  My eyes were on her, but I was trying to listen to the speaker, so my attention really wasn't.  Besides, she always has to fumble a little bit with her fingers before she can get one of them to stand up alone.
  Not this time!  Right on cue, she held up her hand and perfectly flipped off the family behind us!  I grabbed her hand and we all dissolved into (mostly) silent, shaking giggles.  Eden just looked at me, puzzled, innocent, and utterly hilarious.
  The week before that, when I went to pick her up from nursery, the Primary president couldn't say enough good things about her.  She was amazed at her verbal ability ("I can't believe I was standing there having a full conversation with a two year old!!") and the way she paid attention and interacted in Primary.  I almost fell over, though, when she said, "Her name is Belle, right?"  Apparently Eden does just fine introducing herself when we are not around!!
 (Actually, since we moved out here, Eden has taken to introducing herself as a character from her favorite movies or stories.  I probably mentioned it before, but it got pretty extreme during all our moving around.  She had so many new people asking her name every day that she got very good!  Its very rarely her own real name!  Although its funny, it can be a little odd/embarrassing, and I have struggled to know how to handle it.  Do I just let it go?  Correct her?  Laugh?  Pay no attention?  She's not doing it for my sake or play a trick or make a joke, she's sincerely introducing herself!  For a few days when it got really extreme, I found myself laughing and saying something like, "She wishes!" or "Now tell them your real name," but I felt bad about those responses - I don't want to be rude to my own daughter!  Its still funny, and still happens, but now I mostly just smile and only explain if necessary.)
  (Edited to add:)
  Saturday night, we packed up our dinner, and Nate took us all to a little school playground for an evening picnic.  There was a lovely little hill overlooking the play area, and as it was almost dark, only one other couple there with a little boy about Eden's size.  They were sitting on the hill, watching him play down below, when we got there, and we sat a little way off to eat our food.  As soon as Eden saw the playground, she begged to go play first, and eat later.  We let her go, and admired the confidence and agility with which she navigated the equipment.  She even climbed up that twirly ladder thing and after a few tries, successfully stepped over to the main play platform!  Her interaction with the little boy seemed minimal, but friendly.  A few minutes later, another mom and young boy, probably 5 or so, showed up.  Eden immediately wanted to make friends, and although we couldn't hear very well, we watched her join in a game of chase with great glee.  First the bigger boy, then Eden, then the little boy, went racing around the slides and stairs.  When they came around the other side, however, the order was reversed, and the little boy was running as fast as he could go!  He headed off the padded area, making a beeline for his parents, and as they got a little closer, we heard him screaming, "WAAAAA! Waaaa!  Moooommmmmyyy!!!! WAAAA!!"  and saw Eden leaping after him, roaring like a beast, with fingers hooked into claws!!!  I couldn't believe my eyes!!  We tried to reprimand a little, but we were all laughing in disbelief (the little boy's parents included.)  They sent him back down to play, and a few minutes later it happened again!  It was time for them to go, and Eden came panting up to eat some dinner.  We were talking about what had happened, and she kept asking, "But why?  Why was the little boy running away from me?"  We hadn't been close enough to hear what started it, so we could only explain so much, when suddenly she said, "Maybe because I bit him."
   "Really??!!"
  "No, not really.... We were just playing..."
  But later, as we got in the van and she mentioned it again, I asked if she really did, and she said yes.  Oh, dear.  I hope not!!!

Set Up For Failure (or at least, a Hard Time)

I began to write this several months ago, while we were still very much in a state of transition.  

Not just transition, but uncertainty, separation, and stress.  And sometimes, in the midst of the struggle, it is better to let one's thoughts and feelings mature and ripen in private, to allow for the work that perspective and time do.  So I didn't post it then.  

But now, while still in the end stages of transition, much of the stress and uncertainty have been worked through and things are not quite so raw, not quite so desperate feeling.

Goodness, anyone who reads this whole blog will probably think that I am a very dramatic, perpetually struggling, weak-willed mess of a woman!  Well, maybe I am.  I do tend to write more during and about my personal hard times.  I find it both cathartic and therapeutic, and I have found great relief and insight from reading about other's struggles, faith, and real lives, so I guess it doesn't matter how any reader might perceive me... If you know me, reading this blog might give you new insight into different facets of my character, and if you don't know me... I guess you can just draw your own conclusions. :) 

We had come to the conclusion that it was time to leave King Salmon, and went ahead with that move despite the fact that we, at that time, had no further employment.  I am so grateful to my dear husband for the way he listened to me and counselled with me and then had the faith and courage to jump, so to speak, out of a perfectly good airplane.  I mean, leave a paying job to move his family for their good, without another job already lined up.  He takes his role as our provider and protector very seriously, and does a very good job at it, and I know this period of time was a huge stress for him.  I was very excited to leave King Salmon, although it had come to be more of a blessing and less of a trial over the months.  In fact, our last months there were so good, so full of warmth and happiness, with so many new connections, that it was just starting to feel actually do-able.  I had a few fleeting thoughts that, perhaps, in seeking for something better, I would just be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, but for many reasons, it was the right time to leave.  

And so we did.  

I am so grateful for the generosity of my in-laws, in letting us come and stay at their house in Utah for several months.  It is not easy to add a whole other family to a household and maintain loving, peaceful order.  There were struggles all around, and I'm sorry for the added stress we brought to the house.  Nevertheless, it was a blessing to get to know Nate's side of the family better, to let them love our little ones and see our little ones learn to love them!  I was so disappointed that for much of the time we were there, Eden and Lucy were dealing with their first real colds, as well as the serious disruption of their previously very predictable lives and family, which meant that they were definitely not on their "best" behavior.  (As a parent, its almost sad sometimes how very much you want others to see the precious person that your child really is, how very easy it is to resent mis-judgment and long for mercy for your child's sake!)  

It really was such a blessing, on a very fundamental level, to have a safe place to come and be with our family and have their support while Nate was gone so very much.  I never thought I could find a harder schedule for families than that of a bush pilot, but - oh, my - I am SO glad that our time as a trucking family was limited! 

In the middle of it all, with Nate gone long and random hours (days, weeks!), trying to settle and balance two little girls whose world had turned topsy-turvy, our living compressed into one room and confined to the indoors due to continued temperatures below zero (even King Salmon was warmer!), not knowing where we were going next or when we were going there.... I came to a very important realization for me.

This was hard. 

There was no denying that.

But I had the power to make it infinitely harder on myself by thinking that it was harder than it should be. 

By expecting someone to help me with the house, the children, the state of my emotions. 

By thinking that my husband should always be available or around.

Such a very basic realization.  It almost seems silly to look at it written out. It made a huge difference in my life though! 

I don't remember what sparked my lightbulb moment. I do remember the illumination it brought!

This was not harder than it should be.

This is just the way it was.

With that conclusion, my ability to deal with it all increased greatly. 

So, to go back to the title of this post, I don't know who ever told me that life should be easy.  Or happy.  Or that it would go the way I wanted or expected.  In fact, I remember quite clearly learning the opposite! "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things..."

So maybe I could blame it on our culture, this self-centered modern age, that wicked one, or Disney's happily ever after.  I think the actual culprit might just be immaturity (as in, just plain lack of experience and perspective). 

 But whoever is to blame, I think that we are set up for (or we set ourselves up for) a failure in life or, at the very least, a pretty hard time, by the attitude that life should be easier, more "fulfilling", more fun, more adventure, more enjoyable, more what we expected.  

Besides that, when we focus on all the things we think life SHOULD be, we miss life as it is - the ease, the fulfillment, the fun, the adventure, the enjoyment, and the blessing that we have right before us.

 :)

Aloha, Hawaii!!

So glad to be back! One of my cousins reminded me that when I returned from BYUH, all I would talk about was how much I loved it and wanted to return.  The time has flown since then, and although I still held many fond memories, I couldn't conjure up that desperate longing to return anymore.  Yesterday afternoon, driving along the steaming road just after a cloudburst, the sun pouring golden in our windows and a fresh breeze cooling us just enough, I was overwhelmed with happiness at being back. I don't specifically remember praying to return, but I'm sure that I did, and I am so glad that the Lord led us to this unexpected opportunity to come back with my family!!

  Of course, the flights over were a little exciting, beginning with Eden throwing up in the van on the way to the airport, all over the floor just after coming through security, and in tandem with Lucy as we landed in Seattle.  Thankfully the man sitting on the other side of Eden jumped in to help hold her sick bag so I could catch Lucy's puke in her sick bag! The girls did very well, though, and received many compliments as we landed in Kona.  

  The Kona landing strip looks like you're landing on the moon!  Barren, black volcanic rock is all around, not a scrap of green or even sand in sight.  My first thought upon disembarking was, "Whew! This is NOT the place to be wearing jeans!" I've worn skirts every day since then and I think I shall continue!
 We're still looking for a place to live, but even in that somewhat stressful atmosphere, it is just so nice to be together as a family again! To eat dinner together almost every night, to lay down together for bed and wake up with Daddy in the morning, to just enjoy BEING together, not feeling like we have to squeeze perfection out of every small moment because too soon we will be apart again.  Such a blessing!

Scripture Thoughts

   Our last Sunday in King Salmon, Nate and I were asked to speak in church.  The topic was "Your Relationship with the Lord," and although I did think about it a lot, with packing and preparing for the move and all the normal demands of life, it wasn't until the night before that I actually sat down and put pen to paper.  It took me awhile, but eventually my thoughts began to flow and my talk took shape.  I don't really remember much of it, except one insight that I know did not come from my own wisdom.
  Going back a little further, sometime during the summer weeks that Nate was gone flying, I decided to read the Bible all over again.  In 90 days.  There are reading schedules out there that make all the figuring out easy, so I found one and began following it.  It definitely took commitment!  My scripture reading had suffered since having children, and going from a haphazard chapter or two of the Book of Mormon (sometimes verse or two was more like it!) to 10+ chapters of Old Testament a day was a big change! At first I was a little grumpy about it - I'd been reading for a few days, and while the Genesis review of all the old scripture stories was not bad, I certainly didn't feel particularly blessed to be reading about people's bad choices and the twisted lines of their lives from long ago.  I wasn't feeling the inspiration flow.  It wasn't relating to my life with that *BLING* of revelation and light.  After about a week, however, I did notice a difference.  I wasn't receiving pillars of light or angelic visits, but I was calmer.  I did have more patience.  My heart was happier.  Parenting our girls was easier, and dealing with Nate's absence was less aggravating/sad.  I continued my reading, and became more convinced of its effect all the time.
  And that is where my stroke of revelation for my talk came from.  Reading scriptures is totally important, but not because it is always going to speak to us in golden tones of heavenly light.  It is important because it builds our relationship with the Lord.  And THAT is where all the good things come from.
  It comes easily to most of us, given a listening ear, to pour out our hearts, our wants and worries, our desires and dreams.  Just like a baby, crying out for food or sleep, we feel our state so acutely and naturally reach out for help.  But as we grow in our relationships, we realize the other side has something to share beyond just what we might ask for; we want to get to know the other person, not just be served.  We don't expect every conversation with a friend or spouse to be deep and life-changing, revealing secrets and enlightening our understanding.  Just saying hello regularly deepens our connection.  Laughing at something together, hearing what drives them crazy or makes them really happy, discussing what happened with their day - these are the communicative bricks and mortar of a relationship.  These everyday, common conversations lay the foundation of understanding and connection that allow deeper and deeper discussions, that lead to those life-changing moments we remember all our days.  So it is with reading the Scriptures regularly.
  With that background, here are some thoughts I had today.
  I've been thinking about all the things I want, and don't yet have.  :)  While so very grateful for the blessings that are mine, quite frankly, there are some prayers that are, as yet, unanswered.  It is easy to worry over them.  It is easy to just want and want and want them so bad that, while waiting to receive, hope falters.  I want to believe that my Father will truly bless me, but when I want the chocolate cake and it feels like I'm being handed a bare carrot, its easy to feel let down.  So the other day, when these words popped into my head, I certainly was intrigued.

 "Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?

Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

If ye, then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"

  And then, today, 

"...he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word: and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full."

  I believe that my Father is a giver of good gifts.  Better than I can even imagine. I believe that he hears my prayer for bread, and he is not giving me a stone.  I do not aspire to know the mysteries of God "in full," but I do choose to not harden my heart, that I might receive those good gifts that he has for me, not the least of which is a closer walk with Him.  

Comedian

(This was from a month ago, when Nate had been gone for several weeks.)

Last night I was the comedian.  I totally brought the house down.  Mine was a slapstick act involving a mischievous green spiky ball and my efforts to restrain it.  The girls sat on either end of the table, Eden ensconced in her seat of choice, the Bumbo, and Lucy strapped into the booster seat with a tray.  It was basically a juggling act, but I kept dropping the ball and chasing it, or throwing it over my head, or tumbling with it on the floor, complete with silly faces and sound effects.  The girls were totally overcome with hilarity.
I never thought of myself as a funny person.  I never thought of myself as particularly outgoing, and definitely not the type to be crazy and wild.  Spontaneity and silliness were not my trademarks; dignity and reserve were much more my style. I was much more comfortable with understated than over-the-top.

Being a mom brings out every side of me - the good, the wonderful, the bad, the awful, and the downright, flat-out silly.  And I love it.  There is nothing more delightful than pure laughter rippling freely from my sweet little daughters' lips.  I don't care how silly, undignified, or crazy I have to be - its worth it. :)

Seasons of the Heart

Is a good marriage one where you gradually become more and more alike over the years? You know, the ones where people start to say you look alike, speak alike, and act alike?  Like two streams running together into one, where the joined currents cut the riverbed deeper and deeper until that path is the only one to take?  Or is it , rather, one where two separate individuals grow more and more into their unique identities, held together by promises and mutual vision, like two oxen yoked to one plow?

I suspect that a healthy marriage is really not so simple as either one or the other, but instead is a mix of the two.  Or perhaps both, just in different ways and a different times.  Its an odd balance though.

At times, all you want is each other. On the big things, you agree.  You flow together in that one riverbed with amazement at how well you complement one another, at the joy and bliss and incredibly fulfilling experience of being one in so many ways.

At other times, its a bit more complicated.  The oxen are yoked, but learning to pull together in one direction is a process. With that basic yet consuming need for one another resting in trust, there are other dreams, other ambitions, other parts of life and living that must be dealt with, and somehow it comes as a surprise that your beloved has different ideas about some of those things.  Sometimes its just as simple as a novel concept, a practice or course they had never considered.  Other times, its becomes more sensitive, when the desire, the dream, the hoped-for course, is something that your mate actively does not want, never wanted, and struggles with.

(I'm not talking about anything harmful or sinful here.  Just the many available options that, for many reasons, we want or don't want.)

Do you sacrifice your direction, your hopes, your desires, giving them up for the discomfort they would cause your spouse?  Do you sacrifice your comfort so that your spouse can pursue cherished aspirations and dreams?  Do you both cling to comfort and end up with a life of the lowest common denominator, a compromise in all things?  Do you both cling to desires and end up pursuing two separate lives under the same roof?

Its a process.  There is amazing growth, both personal and relational, to be had in going with your spouse on the adventures of their heart.  You become so much more than if you just sit in the comfort of your own ways of seeing, doing, being.  It is also a wonderful thing to be given the gift of your loved one's sacrifice in order that you might blossom in ways that are uniquely your own and so desired.

Maybe the truth is that by living together in that mutual pattern of giving and receiving, sacrificing, yet still able to fulfill dreams, you both become uniquely yourselves and yet the same in the most important of ways.

A little cryptic, perhaps.  Just things I've been pondering.

Eden Update

Our little girl is getting so big!

Lucy - Eden loves her little sister.  She calls her "Lu-Lu" (and is the only person allowed to do so!;) and when she's feeling super affectionate will upgrade it to "Lulu-Baba" or "Lulu-beebee," which I think is her version of "baby Lucy."  Sometimes its even just "Lu-Ba."  Eden is always excited to find Lucy lying in some accessible place - the floor, the couch, the jumper - and snuggles right up to her, laying her head on Lucy's chest much as she does with Nate and me.  Of course that pretty much squashes Lucy, but she's a good sport about it! She's also discovered that its hilarious to stick her finger as far as she can in Lucy's throat and watch/hear/feel her reaction.  I can pretty much guess exactly what she's doing when I here a certain delighted and uncontrollable giggling coming from around the corner.
Eden is very much a girl when it comes to colors, pink and purple being her definite favorites.  If there's a choice, those are the winners, whether in food, clothes, flowers, or toys.  She also knows green, blue, black and white sometimes, orange, and yellow.
Hats are required for any outfit to be complete.
Back in December, I brought home a DVD of The Nutcracker from the library.  I didn't know how she would react, but it turned out that she loved it and would watch it for as long as I would let her.  She would dance and twirl and fall down, only to get up and watch and dance again.  When we visited California, she learned a lot more about dancing from her aunts and her three year old cousin, and her passion for the Nutcracker continued.  These days she asks for the music three or four (or ten!) times a day, always with the same urgency and enthusiasm, and her dancing now includes jumping, twirls without falling down, spinning (which does result in falling down), and all sorts of creative and dramatic flourishes and kicks.  She'll dance with her dollies, with some little paper bears I cut out for her, with Mama or Daddy, or by herself.  She wishes Lucy would get up and dance with her - she'll grab her hand and pull up on it, exclaiming, "Up! Up!" - but that won't be happening for a while.
Speaking of the Nutcracker, one of the things she learned from her cousin was that the Nutcracker died at one point in the ballet.  So for nearly a month, everything "died."  Daddy, Mama, dollies, Lucy, Eden herself...she's very drawn to the dramatic and emotionally intense side of life. We tried to derail that obsession by telling her he didn't die, he just got broken.  So now everything is "broke."
Eden loves to read!  She wakes up and the first word out of her mouth is, "Eat!"  If we don't respond appropriately, she'll make sure we got the message by signing eat, first on herself, and then on us!  When we get downstairs, however, she switches from "Eat!" to "Read!"  She loves Curious George, a series of old Disney books my mom gave us, and Beatrice Potter's Jeremy Fisher, but she's pretty much an omnivore.  Last night I found her sitting on her blanket, poring over a massage manual.  It amazes me how much she comprehends of the spoken word.  She's only just beginning to be very verbal, but her understanding of conversations and oral storytelling is astounding.
We started Eden with elimination communication from the time she was about two weeks old and went through all the ups and downs of that.  By ten months she would tell us when she had to poop, and she did all her poops in the potty (except the occasional miss) and I must say, that has been SO nice.  We pretty much gave up on catching the pee though.  I thought I'd have her potty trained before Lucy, and then before we came back to Alaska, but that didn't happen.  So we got down to business a few weeks ago, and really focused.  For three days I changed many wet panties, pants, skirts, and tights, and mopped/soaked up numerous puddles.  I gave up.  I decided she must not be ready, and resigned myself to putting her back in diapers.  But that night she woke up at 4:30 am, bolted out of bed and ran to to potty and peed.  And every twenty minutes, for the rest of the night, wanted to get up and go potty.  I was so over it!  But we've progressed in our potty training journey from that day, and now she's in panties, except for naptime and bedtimes. (That's been its own struggle. She would ask to go potty at least 5 times every time we put her to sleep, and it was seriously delaying the process.  We finally came down to declaring, "If you're wearing panties, you pee in the potty.  If you're wearing a diaper, you pee in your diaper."  Maybe it will backfire when we want to get her out of diapers for good, but for now its the only way to get her to relax and go to sleep.)
Some other concepts and words she's been experimenting with  include "NO!" "Happy!" and "Cranky." When she's being cranky, we ask her if she wants to go to the cranky corner, a little alcove at the end of our entry hall. This is not framed as a punishment or a time out, just as a place to go to get yourself under control. She usually says yes, takes herself over there, stands there for a few seconds, and then comes out saying, "Happy!" It melts my heart, though, when she comes up to me, out of the blue, and tells me she's happy.  That is what I want for her!

Oh yes! She calls herself "Eenie," and she says oopsies, "eepoo!"

One more thing.  This update is about three months old! Eepoo! :) She has grown and changed so much that I need to do a whole new edition already.  I didn't want to lose this, though.

my dream job + reality/a humbling day

I love being a stay-at-home mother.

No, let me say that again.

I LOVE being a stay-at-home mother.

It is my dream job.

I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing!

These were the thoughts that ran through my head last Monday night, as I looked at my precious daughters lying on either side of me in peaceful slumber.  The room was darkened to a comfortable twilight by blackout curtains, and the memory-foam of the bed was warm enough to make us a cozy snuggle, but not yet warm enough to make us a sweaty pile.  I re-played the day in my mind.

Busy, it was, but with the calm, ordered busy-ness of just enough time and tasks to fit well together.  We'd gone for a walk outside, since the weather was finally starting to warm a little. (A high of 35, but that's great compared to 18!)  We'd read stories upon stories.  We'd danced to the Nutcracker.  I made our Monday night dinner of beans and bread, warm and fresh and filling and tasty.  The laundry was not only washed, it was folded and put away!  The girls had gone down peacefully for a nap, slept well, been cheerful all afternoon, and bedtime had proceeded like clockwork.  Daddy was home from an all weekend flying job.  Yes, I loved my life. 

I thought of all the ways that my job was the best.  :)

I am my own boss.  

I don't have to think about what I'm getting paid, how many hours I lack or am overtime, or losing my job.

I get to work with my favorite people.

I get to choose when and how I do what I have to do, and even (to a certain degree) decide what, exactly, I do have to do.

I get to pour out my best, my love, my enthusiasm, my desires, without stint.

I get to confront problems and then find and implement the answer. (I love to do that kind of trouble-shooting, research, whatever you want to call it!)

If I want to change things - I can!  If I like the way I'm doing it - I don't have to change!

I nuzzled my toddler's hard little head, butted up against my cheek, and gently squeezed my baby's soft, dimpled arm, and gloried in my blessings.

And then there was Tuesday.

Smack in the face reality.

Mom-Fail.

(At least that's what it felt like.)

Everything just started off on the wrong foot! I was distracted, Eden was excitable and mischievous, and Lucy was needy.  The morning was frittered away on unimportant bits and pieces, as all my nice plans and goals dripped down the drain.  Panties were wet (multiple times), food rejected and thrown overboard, and toys strewn hither and yon.  My patience wore thin.  Lucy was hungry but then had a burp and wouldn't settle to eat, or she finally slept only to be rudely awoken by Eden's loving ministrations.  My patience wore thinner.  Naptime came, finally!  The "reset" button to the day, if you will.  My hopes were doused when it became a huge power struggle - Eden wouldn't go to sleep, I wouldn't let her get up, so we all stayed on the bed til 2 o'clock, with Eden whining, kicking the wall, kicking her mama, standing on her head, burrowing under the covers, sucking on the wrong end of her water bottle, triumphantly getting up to go to the potty and then coming back and throwing a fit all over again at the prospect of laying down.  And of course, me reacting to each of her actions.  I knew I was making it worse, but I was tired and fed up and couldn't seem to break the cycle!  More than once, she got quiet, and then quieter, and stiller, and was alllllmost asleep....and then realized it and woke herself up again with silliness.  

So we got up, and she was a whiny mess of tired toddler, and I was a fed-up mess of tired mama, and what did I do? 

Basically ignored her for the rest of the afternoon.  

I know.  Not something I'm terribly proud of.  

I just did other stuff, took care of some emails, fed Lucy, and benignly neglected my Eden. 

Not out of calm, thought-out, mommy strategy, but out of sheer "I can't deal with this right now!" desperation.

Funny thing is, she whined about for awhile.  She tried to get me to engage. (I did; I wasn't being mean, I just took care of whatever she really needed and then left her to her own devices.)  And then she just started playing on her own.  She crashed her little bike and the kiddycar on the kitchen floor.  She scattered her (dry) beans all over.  She dumped out the Duplos, and piled her stuffed animals under the coffee table.  Books were here, there, and everywhere!  The house was a disaster.  

I just tuned out the whiny-ness and the mess, and wrapped myself up in a bit of calm.

Then I had to change Lucy's diaper.  I buzzed her chubby tummy, and made silly sounds at her.  Suddenly I heard Eden's giggle, and looking over, saw her leaning on the axle of her upside-down bike, watching us, and laughing uncontrollably.  She was a pumpkin, past the stage of irritability and coming into the slap-happy giggles.  

Who can resist a little girl giggling? Everything I did made her laugh harder, until I was laughing out loud too.  Reset.

We giggled and were silly, ate an improvised dinner, had a splashy bath and went to bed.

I still love being a stay-at-home mom, even on the hard days.  But those humbling days do make me not take myself so seriously!

Family Portraits

These were taken during our Christmas visit to California by my very talented sister, Rochelle Rupp.

My Handsome Husband!  How I love this man!

Finally....

Aunt Laurel sent Eden this beautiful stuffed animal as a birthday present.  H. christened it  "Rusty" and Eden loves it!  Here she is, discovering its marvels for the first time.

Using the easel as a walker!

Nate took us on a boat ride up the Naknek River for a picnic.  It was a beautiful day, quite chilly, but lots of fun!  Eden was really scared though, besides being tired and cold, and this was the closest we got to a smile. :)

New mobility brings new discoveries!

She climbs all the way inside, behind the door, and throws out the plastic stuff we keep in there.

A beautiful evening during the two short but lovely weeks of autumn we enjoyed.

Hurray for brushing teeth!  Eden loves to brush her own or anyone else's!

What a good daddy!

It was too cold and snowy to go out, but we made do, playing in the snow on the back porch from the doorsill!

Yes, she climbed up there by herself.  At least she stopped trying to stand up after I told her not to.  Nothing is safe now!

She pee's on the potty every morning when we get up, and usually at bathtime, too. Not at all afraid!  

I thought that was a cool pic with Mt. Chiginigak volcano in the background. This is one of the rivers I would take people out heli-fishing to.

This is the view from the mahogony throne (ok, not actually mahogony, but it sounds good) in the outhouse at the sport fishing camp that I flew to all summer long. This camp was posh - gourmet chef, hot water shower, wood burning stove - all this and no one else around for 130mi in any direction!

Looking south across Mt. Chiginigak. I flew by here a couple times a week all season long. This is one of the 3 calm clear days when I could get good pics of the volcano.

This is an open plume on the North side of the Chiginigak Volcano. The plume is probably at about 5500'.

This is looking at the bottom of the Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes in Katmai National Park. The valley floor is just one big ash flow from the last eruption of Mt. Griggs in 1912. There are deep canyons where the rivers have cut through. The cool thing about this pic is the dust you see blowing. It is volcanic ash. Very dangerous to helicopters. On this particular day the wind was blowing up to 45-50 mph through the mountain passes. It is hard to tell from the picture but the ash cloud (blowing down the valley from right to left) is over 1000' thick! Needless to say, I had to take the long way for the rest of the day. I also ended up flying through the worst turbulence I've ever been in.

Another of our autumn adventures.  You can't see much of Eden; she's actually asleep between us.  At first she was pretty scared, but by the end she was out cold.

About 24 weeks pregnant in these pictures!

Alaska sunrise

Silly girl!  She can put her pants and tights on her own head now, and knows she's funny when she does!

"Mama!" According to Eden, she and I are basically the same person.

The iphone cam just doesn't do justice. I need Trevor's camera!

A Breather

Sometimes you have to stop thinking about life and just live it.  Just stop asking, "Am I happy today?  Is today a good day?" and do whatever you have to do that day.  At least I do.  Its been a busy, productive couple of weeks, and the breather from blogging has helped.  Much as I love introspection, its good for me to put it away for a little while.  Sorry, still no pictures yet...

One of the brightest parts of these last few weeks has been feeling our new little one move with so much more strength and vigor.  We're a little over twenty weeks! I always wish that somehow I could communicate the sensation more effectively to Nate.  When I try to find the perfect description, it always eludes me and I'm left groping for words.  I've heard the "popcorn popping" and "butterflies" descriptions, and sometimes that does capture the early sensations.  The kicks and punches, blips and pops, are the easiest to imagine, Nate says, and the easiest to describe.  But what about those rolls and squirms and Tectonic-like shifts?  Sometimes the closest I can come is to say it feels like squeezing a bar of wet soap, the sudden, slippery turns where new contours push out and then slide back in just as quickly.  Or like the baby is somehow bunching its whole self up in a corner and then trying to turn around and head out again.  Except as far as I know, there are no corners in the uterus.  Oh, well.  Feeling new life move within me remains one of the most amazing and magical experiences of my life.

Eden is growing so fast.  She climbs and opens, worms her little fingers into things she's not supposed to, and uses the potty for all her little (and big!) poops.  I love it!  We've been doing "elimination communication," or EC, since she was 2 weeks old, and I have to say that, based on our experience, it really works.  At first I was a little (ok, a lot) reluctant to be open about it, because no one understood - mostly we were met with mild defensiveness, "Well, we're going to just let our baby be a baby!..." or downright shock, disbelief, and pooh-poohing, "Well, really you're just training the parents, the baby has no idea..."  The least judgmental, for the most part, were people who had no children.  But one things was true from the start - just like wearing cloth diapers or co-sleeping, doing EC was just something we chose to do for our family.  It didn't mean that we thought those who didn't were unenlightened, or bad parents, or that their kids were less smart than our daughter!  Parenting is such an easy thing to feel offended or defensive over, so I understood that, but, come on!!!  As for the "just training the adult" argument, yes, it was training us adults.  It trained me, especially, to pay closer attention to what my baby was experiencing, communicating, and capable of.  I've read pediatric "medical" writings that claim that children just can't control or have awareness of their bladder and bowel functions until they reach a certain age (usually claimed to be around 2 years old).  I have to say, based on my own experience, that is just not true.  Eden eliminated in the potty from the time she was two weeks old.  And she let me know when she needed to go! And she held it, for a limited time, until I could take her. The "cues" were often subtle and/or I couldn't really explain how I knew, but it was similar to the way I could often say, with a squirm or a grunt, "She's hungry," or "That's a burp coming."  Of course, on the flip side, there were plenty of times when I didn't know, and didn't catch anything.  The point of EC is not to potty train your child early, though that is sometimes a result.  The point is to be in communication with your little one and help them with their needs as best you can.  So we are not potty-trained, and there is no pressure for her to get it in the potty, but I am glad to not (for the most part!) change poopy diapers!

One last random thing - its a common cliche to say that one person makes a difference, but it is so true.  In some of my recent difficult moments, two individuals in particular have touched my life and uplifted me, and truly made a night and day difference for me. One was a dear friend I have known for some time - someone on whom I could pour out my woes, via text, and who took the time to listen and respond and help me out of my breakdown.  The other was someone I barely know at all, a neighbor with a little daughter, who dropped by unannounced one afternoon just to visit for a bit.  Nothing earth-shattering happened, but that contact was exactly what I needed to lift the fog and feel some relief.  So if you're a visiting teacher, or friend, or neighbor - make the time to just reach out! You don't know what a difference you might make.

Visit Home

I stepped out of the car.  The night was dark, sky speckled with glittering stars, soft sweet dusty fragrance of California summer rising to meet me.  A great elemental peace fell upon me, as if in my whole self were sighing in organic relief - home! Roots reach up again to connect with thirsty branches, and a sense of ease and completion settles over me.  People talk about having a sense of "place," and I feel what that means every time I return to visit my parents home.  I feel like rejoicing in the smallest, most mundane things - turning my eyes upon the arch of sky in its particular shade of summer blue, savoring the toasty warmth of sun on my face and arms, walking over the soft, slippery gold of mown weeds - I cannot express how it fills and grounds and lifts me.  I even find nostalgia in my heart for the neglected fields behind the clay factory that I walk by on my way from the dentist's office to the park.  

Of course, as I realize, it is easier to feel those things when being there is a privilege instead of a necessity, when my visits are by choice and eagerly anticipated instead of by circumstance and unexpected.  But oh! I simply love that combination of people and place and feel in my very being every nuance of season and space.  I so wish I could have it all there! :)

On Friday, much of the family gathered for a dinner and visiting.  Things have changed since our last visit - babies are older, new babies born, all growing and changing and experiencing new things.  There is so much to talk about and catch up on, and its hard to do all at once! We catch each other in little aside conversations, over changing diapers and setting the table, asking and listening, sharing the tidbits that make up our daily life.  And then it gets late too soon and babies must be put to bed and long drives home undertaken far too soon to have our fill of the visit.  We were able to fit in some music though, with accompanying laughter and tears.  Laughter, because of the sheer hilarity of certain family members in combination with each other...

My brothers, egging one another on in lusty harmony (and sometimes disharmony!) with "Let Me Be Your Salty Dog" and other old favorites thrown together into silly medleys of mostly bluegrass with a few nursery rhymes and hymn refrains thrown in for good measure.  I am trying not to wake my sleeping baby on my lap, trying not to wet my pants, laughing so hard I am crying and struggling to breathe.  Its not just the comedy of the moment, great though that is.  I am transported back 15 years to sweaty homeschool days, remembering those same two brothers whanging away on fiddle and banjo, blasting out trumpet duets, experimenting with mandolin and voice and style in the downstairs bedroom between 4:30 and 5:30pm (sometimes even earlier if algebra and civics were particularly dull that day!) while I studied spanish and browsed the chicken catalog upstairs.  

Tears, because having the family all together brings tender hearts and easily touched feelings quickly to the surface again.  Singing hymns in sweet melody, blending our voices in praise and song, brings the angel band close around us and fills my soul with a "peace that passeth understanding," sets my heartstrings to reverberating in celestial chords and choruses, even the kind I "cannot sing."

I also love to be home to watch my parents parent.  They were wonderful parents to me, and I can only hope to be as wise as they have been.  It is a unique situation at the moment, because my mother has the opportunity to watch two grandchildren full time some days while their mother, my sister, goes to school.  Eden is somewhat behind them in age, but I love to see her in action, so to speak, as the caregiver of these young ones and learn from not only my memories but directly from her example.  For one thing, I so very much appreciate seeing her wisdom in its real-life application!  But for another, it helps me not to romanticize her mothering.  Mom is, and has always been, a wonderful mother - couldn't be a better - but it helps me to remember that even so, she is not perfect nor was she as we were growing.  And its ok! Heavenly Father gave us imperfect mothers to bless us!  She has very definite ideas, principles she bases her parenting choices and actions upon, but it is not a formula or in any way a rigid plan - this is living parenting!  It helps me to relax and breathe and be at once more flexible and more determined about my mothering.  I try to observe and absorb all I can while I'm there.

Yes, it was a truly wonderful visit, for many reasons even beyond these, but now we are back at home in Alaska.  And while I am so happy to be reunited with my dear husband again, I can feel the dark clouds of discontentment and depression hovering at the edges of my mind, just waiting for the slightest breeze to sail out and blot out the light.  I won't look at them!  I know they are there, but I am determined to choose the happiness that is here for me and let the light continue to shine.  This is a good life, too! 

As for sharing my experience with the miscarriage - I do not share it to say "poor me," or to in any way to compare it to anyone else's experience, grief, or healing.  I do not share it to hang out dirty laundry.  I do not share it to have a juicy story to chew over.  There is more I will share, partly because this is my blog and I can if I want to, ;) and partly because I think that we share very easily the small, sound-bite smiles and trials of our lives, somewhat less easily the big bright sunbursts of joy, and, paradoxically, too easily and yet not enough, the big struggles and trials.  Too easily the complaints, the self-pity, the blaming and anger.  Not enough, the depths, the changes that come, the new understanding that you can only come to after being broken.  The comfort that can be found even while in the mists of sorrow and struggle.  I do think that the first has to come out somewhere, especially if its been held in for a while, like pus out of a festering wound. And I do think that the second can only be shared in appropriate times and ways to be truly communicated at all, especially in person.  But there is a wonderful and strange effect when it can be shared.  Somehow it is healing, both to the hearer and the speaker.  Honestly shared, it allows us the courage to continue living as imperfect beings in a fallen world.  I never wanted to be a part of the secret club of women who have lost a baby to miscarriage.  But how grateful I was for the understanding of those who had also gone through that valley when I found myself there.  It was, as much as anything, the knowledge that I was not alone.  So, if one person reading my experience is going through, has gone through, will go through a struggle and can find hope and light in sharing or knowing mine... well, I would be honored.  

To Tell or Not To Tell

Some of you may have seen this post about Desires of the Heart, and perhaps, knowing me, thought it was about a desire for this:

Actually, somewhat surprisingly, it was not.

The burning desire that prompted the writing of that post had much more to do with this:

About six months ago, I was in the process of looking up information about raising children with special needs for a friend of mine.  I love children, and I love learning more about raising them, and I love looking things up and finding things out, so it was a fascinating experience.  Thru a series of blog hops, I came to a blog that completely captured me.  It is written by the mother of 11 children, and was begun halfway through the pregnancy of her 10^th child when ultrasounds revealed that this baby would probably be born with Down Syndrome.  In raw honesty, she journals her fears, her faith, her concerns and struggles, and ultimately the joy that comes with her precious Verity.

As I lay in our darkened bedroom, evening after evening, nursing my own little Eden to sleep, more than once I wanted to stop reading.  I wanted to shut off my Iphone, delete the link, forget about this topic.  Irrational fear whispered that I should close my eyes, close my ears, choose to not let this into my life.  As if not knowing would protect me somehow.  From what? I don’t really know.  From having this as part of my life, mostly.  At the same time, however, I was drawn on, as if “hearing a word behind me, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it.”

As I read, and saw various pictures of this family, my heart and my mind gradually began to change.  This mother’s faith and testimony touched me.  The beauty that love and truth impart to ordinary life shone out undeniably.  What had been difficult to look at, speaking honestly, became normal…

even beautiful. 

As if that journey wasn’t enough, this family then chose to bring another little one into their family through adoption.  Another little one with Down Syndrome.  Smaller, more fragile even than their biological daughter had been.  But this little one’s special needs were infinitely compounded, not by the nature of having Down Syndrome, but by the life she had lived up til then.

You see, little Katie was 9 years old.

But she only weighed around 10 pounds.

Developmentally, she was a tiny infant. 

Severely neglected, basically starving, abandoned, unwanted, almost at death’s door, this little girl was deemed of no worth in her birth country.  And why?

Because she wasn’t “perfect.”

Because she had Down Syndrome. 

Her adoption saved her literal life, of that I have no doubt.  And the way she has blossomed has been nothing short of a miracle.

The Blessing of Verity

Go read it.  Start at the beginning of Verity’s story.  You will not regret the time spent.

And so I was introduced to this world of Reece's Rainbow, of special needs adoption, of little ones who are seen as worthless by their countries and cultures because of various “imperfections.”  A world of miracles and faith, of redemption and great sacrifice.  A world of children who wait and wait for a mommy and a daddy, who live with the very probable destination of an adult mental institution when they age out of the baby house at four years old. 

Four years old!!!

That’s my nephew’s age! That’s the age of the little girl I babysit!

My heart was truly pricked, though, when I saw a little girl listed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta.  My uncle had Osteogenesis Imperfecta.  I never knew him, as he died in a car accident at 17 years old, but his memory and personhood has remained alive and well in our family.  I knew somewhat of the nature of his condition, and the difficulties it included, but I really never thought of him as  “special needs.” He went to public school.  He participated in clubs and seminary and did the things kids do.  I have read some of his writings, and he was a normal boy, living an extraordinary life.  

And it all became personal.

Don’t be surprised if this is not that last you hear of this topic!

But for now, our path has taken a different turn.  Some of you must have been praying for what you thought that first post was about because

Guess what?

We are.

Given our previous experience, we do not share this news naively.  There are no guarantees, this we know.  But we rejoice in the blessing right now, and invite you to rejoice with us.