Seasons of the Heart

Is a good marriage one where you gradually become more and more alike over the years? You know, the ones where people start to say you look alike, speak alike, and act alike?  Like two streams running together into one, where the joined currents cut the riverbed deeper and deeper until that path is the only one to take?  Or is it , rather, one where two separate individuals grow more and more into their unique identities, held together by promises and mutual vision, like two oxen yoked to one plow?

I suspect that a healthy marriage is really not so simple as either one or the other, but instead is a mix of the two.  Or perhaps both, just in different ways and a different times.  Its an odd balance though.

At times, all you want is each other. On the big things, you agree.  You flow together in that one riverbed with amazement at how well you complement one another, at the joy and bliss and incredibly fulfilling experience of being one in so many ways.

At other times, its a bit more complicated.  The oxen are yoked, but learning to pull together in one direction is a process. With that basic yet consuming need for one another resting in trust, there are other dreams, other ambitions, other parts of life and living that must be dealt with, and somehow it comes as a surprise that your beloved has different ideas about some of those things.  Sometimes its just as simple as a novel concept, a practice or course they had never considered.  Other times, its becomes more sensitive, when the desire, the dream, the hoped-for course, is something that your mate actively does not want, never wanted, and struggles with.

(I'm not talking about anything harmful or sinful here.  Just the many available options that, for many reasons, we want or don't want.)

Do you sacrifice your direction, your hopes, your desires, giving them up for the discomfort they would cause your spouse?  Do you sacrifice your comfort so that your spouse can pursue cherished aspirations and dreams?  Do you both cling to comfort and end up with a life of the lowest common denominator, a compromise in all things?  Do you both cling to desires and end up pursuing two separate lives under the same roof?

Its a process.  There is amazing growth, both personal and relational, to be had in going with your spouse on the adventures of their heart.  You become so much more than if you just sit in the comfort of your own ways of seeing, doing, being.  It is also a wonderful thing to be given the gift of your loved one's sacrifice in order that you might blossom in ways that are uniquely your own and so desired.

Maybe the truth is that by living together in that mutual pattern of giving and receiving, sacrificing, yet still able to fulfill dreams, you both become uniquely yourselves and yet the same in the most important of ways.

A little cryptic, perhaps.  Just things I've been pondering.

Lucy's Birth

Our little Lucy is seven weeks, and not longer so little! Her knees and elbows have little dimples, her little biceps and thighs have fat creases, and she looks like a perfect little dolly!  I look back on her birth and can hardly believe that it was such a short time ago!  So here is the story…

            Short, uncomplicated version – Lucy was born, two days after her due date, at my parents house at 10:20 pm on Monday, Jan. 21^st, after two and a half hours of labor.  We were attended by Nate and, at the last second, my mother, and the midwives arrived 15 and 20 minutes later.  I did go to the hospital for some sutures, which is worse than giving birth, but as far as the labor and birth went, it couldn’t have been better.

            And now for the long, detailed version – We had hoped to meet this baby significantly earlier than January 21^st.  Nate had only a certain amount of vacation before he had to go back to Alaska, and more than anything, I wanted him to be with me for the birth.  I didn’t care who else was there, but Nate HAD to be there.  And we hoped he’d even have a little time with us postpartum to get acquainted and help us transition as a family.  Eden was born at 38 weeks, so I thought it was reasonable to expect this one around the same time.  Besides, I’d been having episodes of significant contractions every time I got stressed and over-exerted myself since 34 weeks pregnant.  Well, so much for all that.

(Actually, it probably was accomplishing a lot of the early dilation very gradually.)

Anyway, we met with the midwives and thankfully, there was a good connection there.  They warned us that second labors often go in half the time of first labors, so to expect about 2.5-3 hours total. (How right they were!)  However, the days came and went, and little baby stayed securely inside.  We walked.  We danced.  We did…all sorts of things…in an effort to help this little one make an entrance (or exit? J) Nothing extreme, being well aware that she wasn’t even quite due yet, but I was about at the end of my rope.  Never again will I judge anyone for getting tired of being pregnant, especially at the end!  Being pregnant is a miracle, one that I love and give thanks for and will accept as many times as it comes to me, but for heavens sake! All good things must come to an end, and I prayed for the end of this one!  I was so ready to move on to the next stage!  I didn’t know how much more one’s body could stretch in those last two weeks, how long the nights became when interrupted regularly by urgent (like suddenly realizing I’m going to explode!) potty trips, shooting pains down hips and calves, trying to stay on one’s left side to help baby get into a good position, and how all my clothes would just run out of room.  I went to bed each night, thinking, “Maybe this will be the night!” and woke up each morning grumpy and out of sorts because I was still very, very pregnant. 

            I finally got over my bad attitude, telling myself that I was just going to be pregnant forever, and just focused on taking each day as it came.  And really they were lovely days – soft California winter of clear skies and bright sun, shared with my sweetheart and our daughter, enjoying time with family, going for walks, just soaking up the togetherness of the time. 

            I thought I’d lost my mucous plug on Saturday, Lucy’s due date, but I didn’t want to tell anyone because I’d been pointing out every sign as it came along and so far none of them had led to anything exciting.  They just sort of petered out.  Talk about deflating the excitement!  So I didn’t make a fuss, didn’t call the midwives, just noticed and let it go.  Sure enough, nothing happened.  I had to go to church another Sunday, elephantine in my maternity.  Monday night, I was actually googling how long after losing the mucous plug one usually goes into labor, when I felt a sudden warm gush.  My first thought was to ascertain that I hadn’t wet myself, as that can be an unexpected side effect of being so pregnant.  No, I had not.  In fact, when I shifted in my seat, more warm fluid gushed out.  I asked my dad to get me a towel, and sat waiting, thinking, “Finally!  I’m so glad to be in labor!”  Not five minutes later, the first contraction/pressure wave hit, and the second came within five minutes of the first.  They took off from there.  Within probably 15 minutes I could feel sweat drip off of me as I breathed through a contraction, and I remember thinking, “Oh, right.  This is labor.  This is the work, the effort, the intensity of bringing a child into this world.  I am glad it’s finally happening, but this is HARD.” 

            I had called the senior midwife shortly after my water broke, and sent her a text as well.  She didn’t respond, and I left a message, but thought nothing of it – I had several times left messages, only to receive a return call not very long after.  Truthfully, once those first messages were sent, my mind was very caught up in other things and I didn’t even think of it again until they walked in the door.  It turns out that her phone had suddenly and unexpectedly died.  It was charged up, nothing was wrong with it – it just died and she didn’t know it until it turned itself on again.  Then, of course, they came as fast as they could, but it wasn’t as fast as Lucy!

            We took a shower, and when we got out the kitchen had been transformed into a peaceful, darkened birthing room.  Dinner’s dishes had magically disappeared. The dining room table and benches were carefully stowed out of the way.  A neatly made bed awaited me in the middle of the clean linoleum floor, and strings of white twinkle lights around the edge of the ceiling lit the room with a soft glow.  Everyone was quietly and inconspicuously holed up in their own rooms.  I went directly from the bathroom to the bed and immediately lay down on my left side.  Nate knelt near me and I rather forcefully directed him to push on my lower back, which he did for the next hour and a half, I guess.  (I wasn’t paying attention to the time!)  Every time he’d move in the least, I let him know he needed to stay right where he was, and as long as he did, I could manage.  The Hypnobabies “Easy First Stage” track was playing on my phone, and it was all I could do to focus and relax.  I began to vocalize, moaning as low and deep as I could.  (My mom later said it sounded kind of like mooing.  Oh well.)  At some point I was trying so hard to relax and my muscles were trying so hard to do whatever they were doing that my tummy literally began to jump and spasm.  I could feel it, and Nate could see it, and it was very strange!

            Suddenly I couldn’t stay down any longer and with no conscious effort on my part I was up on hands and knees, pushing.  Nate got ready to catch, and my mom, hearing the change in the noises I was making, came out of her bedroom to help, knowing that no one had yet arrived.  Lucy was born very quickly!  They caught her, I flipped over, and my wet, pink, new little daughter was on my chest, wide-eyed and ready to latch on.  We were not surprised that she was a girl; we’d sort of expected that from the time we knew she was coming.

            Suddenly, it seemed, the midwives were there, assessing, discussing, checking us all out.  I was totally exhausted – all I wanted was to curl up with my precious babe and SLEEP!  But no, it turned out I had torn and needed sutures, so I got up and we tried it out on the kitchen table.  It would have been fine – the midwife knew what she was doing – but it turned out to be more extensive than we had thought, so after consuming an egg and some toast my mom thoughtfully, and hastily, prepared, we trundled off to the hospital.  Ugh. 

(A word about tearing – it was totally my biggest fear about giving birth the first time.  Then, as this time, I did end up tearing and realized that it’s no big deal.  I didn’t feel a thing.  In fact, when the midwife asked me if I thought I tore, I answered, “No!” with no hesitation.  The sutures, however, are a totally different story.  I’d rather give birth all over again than be stitched up!!  But that's not really an option, unfortunately…)

So we had our little hospital adventure, and they were really very nice to us all.  The midwives came with us – they were great, and I wished they could have been there for the birth.  It was wonderful.  If I could do it all over again just like that, without the hospital trip, that's the way I’d go every time.  Each birth is different and every woman is different – I think that home birth is only one of many good options.  For me, for us, this time, it was absolutely the best.

Family Portraits

These were taken during our Christmas visit to California by my very talented sister, Rochelle Rupp.

My Handsome Husband!  How I love this man!

Eden's Adventures (and some of Daddy's too)

(by Nate)

Enjoy!

It snowed abt 6" and then the wind picked up and blew the snow away. This is what the Kvichak (pronounced quee-jack) River looked like when I flew over at sunrise.

 These are some pics from the job I was supporting just before Christmas. They were fixing a fiber-optic line. The line runs through the Kvichak River at this point. The river ice cracked and smashed the cable and they lost some functionality. They laid a temporary line in a shallow trench as a short term fix till March when they will come back.

This is the vault (where they put the splice box). It was filled with water when we got here so they had to melt it and then put this electric blanket over to keep it melted.

You can see a little water down in the bottom still.

 Some fibers

The splice box. It was encased in jell goo and then in a metal box. They already cut off the metal box.

Inside the splice box.

He is holding up a bunch of fibers.

Here you can see the fibers and the colors and how small they are.

This little box she is pushing down on is the cutter. It simultaneously scores and cuts the fiber in order to make a nice end to splice too.

 The bigger box with the LCD screen is the splicer. She lays the fibers in the top and closes the lid and hits the go button and then you can watch on the screen as the machine lines up the fibers and fuses them as if they had never been broken. This box costs something like $20k.

Now she is lining up the heat shrink material over the splice. Then she drops it in the upper part of the box and presto..nice heat shrinked splice ready to wind up in the splice box.

Here you can see the glass shards (pieces of fiber) that were cut off.

Here she is putting the splice in its new home.

Eden with her new hat that Kathleen made for her. She put it on and left it and loved it.

Learning to put hands in pockets when it gets chilly on our walks.

Eating cornbread with Papa.

Eden and Gram checking on the dogs.

Eden's 1st motorbike ride! We just went around in a 10' circle on the driveway (no helmet her size..she is just a bit too small for a real ride yet), but she had fun.

Finally....

Aunt Laurel sent Eden this beautiful stuffed animal as a birthday present.  H. christened it  "Rusty" and Eden loves it!  Here she is, discovering its marvels for the first time.

Using the easel as a walker!

Nate took us on a boat ride up the Naknek River for a picnic.  It was a beautiful day, quite chilly, but lots of fun!  Eden was really scared though, besides being tired and cold, and this was the closest we got to a smile. :)

New mobility brings new discoveries!

She climbs all the way inside, behind the door, and throws out the plastic stuff we keep in there.

A beautiful evening during the two short but lovely weeks of autumn we enjoyed.

Hurray for brushing teeth!  Eden loves to brush her own or anyone else's!

What a good daddy!

It was too cold and snowy to go out, but we made do, playing in the snow on the back porch from the doorsill!

Yes, she climbed up there by herself.  At least she stopped trying to stand up after I told her not to.  Nothing is safe now!

She pee's on the potty every morning when we get up, and usually at bathtime, too. Not at all afraid!  

I thought that was a cool pic with Mt. Chiginigak volcano in the background. This is one of the rivers I would take people out heli-fishing to.

This is the view from the mahogony throne (ok, not actually mahogony, but it sounds good) in the outhouse at the sport fishing camp that I flew to all summer long. This camp was posh - gourmet chef, hot water shower, wood burning stove - all this and no one else around for 130mi in any direction!

Looking south across Mt. Chiginigak. I flew by here a couple times a week all season long. This is one of the 3 calm clear days when I could get good pics of the volcano.

This is an open plume on the North side of the Chiginigak Volcano. The plume is probably at about 5500'.

This is looking at the bottom of the Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes in Katmai National Park. The valley floor is just one big ash flow from the last eruption of Mt. Griggs in 1912. There are deep canyons where the rivers have cut through. The cool thing about this pic is the dust you see blowing. It is volcanic ash. Very dangerous to helicopters. On this particular day the wind was blowing up to 45-50 mph through the mountain passes. It is hard to tell from the picture but the ash cloud (blowing down the valley from right to left) is over 1000' thick! Needless to say, I had to take the long way for the rest of the day. I also ended up flying through the worst turbulence I've ever been in.

Another of our autumn adventures.  You can't see much of Eden; she's actually asleep between us.  At first she was pretty scared, but by the end she was out cold.

About 24 weeks pregnant in these pictures!

Alaska sunrise

Silly girl!  She can put her pants and tights on her own head now, and knows she's funny when she does!

"Mama!" According to Eden, she and I are basically the same person.

The iphone cam just doesn't do justice. I need Trevor's camera!