Desires of the Heart

You know how it is when you want something really, really bad?  When you are just consumed with it, obsessed by it?  When you spend your free time dreaming about it, praying about it, hoping for it, and researching it?  

Sometimes its a thing, 

sometimes a relationship.

Sometimes its a job,

and sometimes a stage in life.  

Sometimes its even for another person.

But whatever it is, you find it occupying your consciousness and soaking up your time.

Usually, I don't find myself getting caught up in the "thing" desire very much anymore.  I remember wanting a (fairly basic) karaoke machine for my 11th birthday.  I'd been to a friend's party, and she got one, and I thought it was the neatest thing ever.  I thought about it, talked about it, and probably even prayed about it.  I did not get it.

And, really, that was ok.

I got over it.  

Even at that age, I did realize that it wasn't that important.

Desires for a certain job, a certain school, a certain relationship have all come and gone, each with their own degree of involvement and angst, with the exercises of faith and will.  They have been important in their time, in shaping my life and allowing me to grow.  Probably the most difficult, wonderful, heart-shattering and faith-trying desire of my life so far has been that of becoming a mother.  

Two years ago yesterday, we found out we were finally expecting our first baby.  Four months later, we lost that little one.   The doctors eventually told us that we probably could not ever have children without invasive   and aggressive infertility treatments. The full experience of that time will have to wait for another post.  Suffice it to say, I was truly shattered. 

When you know that your desire is selfish, or material, or really unimportant in the eternal scheme, it is really not hard to let it go if it doesn't come.  But when you know that your desire is righteous, and in accordance with Heavenly Father's eternal plan, when you know that it would bring about good to yourself and those around you, when you know that it is even a command and all you want more than anything is to fulfill that mandate...

Its hard to let that desire go.

It is hard to exercise the faith that believes and hopes, yet doesn't cling desperately.  It is hard, in those times of passionate yearning, to learn to let your ultimate desire be to the Source of blessings himself, rather than to that specific blessing.  

But the other options are:

A) sink into a dark pit of sorrow and depression and come to doubt God's goodness, if not his very existence.

B) harden your heart, saying, "Whatever...I don't care anymore," and walk into the cold indifference of cynicism.  

C) Continue deeper into the obsession and, whether you receive it or not, become superstitious, overzealous, and highly sensitive to offense.

(OK, maybe those were just the options for me. :) I'm not wise enough to know how it is for everyone under the sun.)

Its a choice.  Its probably the hardest choice ever, to let go of those deepest desires of your heart without giving up on them. To trust that Heavenly Father's hand is good and present, and somehow, even in what seems to be a wrong turn in our lives, His plan is working out for our eternal joy and to bless those we love. I recently read the quote,

 "When you push God's will, you miss His blessings."

Its not that he doesn't want us to desire, or to mute our requests.  But he wants for us much more than we know to want for ourselves, and we can only receive ALL he has for us when we trust Him.  Even when our own righteous desires seem to be lost in the process. 

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you," saith the Lord, "thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected (or hoped for) end."

Trust Him.

Eden Update

She's doing much better! After three days of listless fever, she finally cooled down Friday morning.  Saturday, she broke out in a mottled rash all over her abdomen and head, even the scalp, and was a cranky, miserable little crab.  Last night she only woke up once (hallelujah!) and this morning she woke up laughing and trying to grab her sleeping daddy's nose at 6:30am! The rash is fading, and she is almost back to her own happy self.  Thank Heavens!

Sick Baby

My happy little imp has not been herself lately.

And we don't know what's wrong, which makes it twice as sad and a little bit scary,

She's had a fever for a few days now, and since we don't have a thermometer (it was packed in the truck, which has not yet arrived) we don't know how high it really is.  Thankfully, some friends gave us some infant tylenol, and I have dosed her a few times.  She sleeps restlessly, kicking off the covers and waking up in a full cry at random times of the night.  

Teething? Maybe.  She doesn't show a lot of the other classic signs, but its still possible.

A sick bug? Maybe. But probably not, since we've had o cough, no sneezing, no congestion or runny nose or goopy eyes.  

The addition of a few new solids to her diet? Maybe. But probably not - its just been a few bites of banana and  some bits of bread.  Although it has impacted her diapers already.... yuck.

She's just listless and easily upset.  And hot.  And wants to be held ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. 

Poor sick baby.

Today she seems to be more cheerful and not as hot, so we're praying she's on the mend.

Will you, too, please?

Little Bits of Life

Some of the more fun parts of our daily life recently...

Bath time in the sink!  We were told that our water is not safe for drinking unless its filtered... and the only filter is that red thing you see by the kitchen sink. (We have since bought another filter for the shower, but it is convenient to let her splash in the sink while I'm stirring something on the stove!)  The water does come out a dirty yellow color, so I'm not willing to try it.  Anyway, we're ok taking our showers in the bathroom, because we no longer drink the bath water. ;) Eden, on the other hand, is not to be trusted - she loves to suck on the washcloth and bend in half to stick her face in the water.  We decided it was safer to bathe her where the water was potable.

The road where Eden and I go walking, checking behind us every couple hundred feet for bears.

Our little tomato tree! We got it at a local presentation on gardening in Alaska, and its flourishing.  

But it does need to be transplanted soon!

Forget pack'n'plays! We've got a laundry basket!  Eden was not happy just rolling around on the floor one evening while I folded laundry.  On a whim, I dumped out the clothes and plopped her into the basket.  She loved it, and happily entertained herself with her pink pants for twenty minutes!

Speaking of entertaining herself, this little girl gets bored with her real toys.  While I'm working in the kitchen, I bring her in with me and find random things for her to investigate.  This day, it was prenatal vitamins (a great rattle!) and a bag of black-eyed peas (apparently very satisfying to bite).

"Daddy is the best to nap with.  Mama always gets up and goes to do stuff after I fall asleep, but Dad stays there and snuggles with me." 

Church in the Bush Branch

One of the first things we wondered about, and indeed, many people asked about, was the size and functioning of the church up here.  We have been blessed to live, so far, in places with a strong membership and active wards, and that is something you can begin to take for granted.  The church, our callings, serving one another, visiting teaching, home teaching, long drives to the temple, all the various meetings on Sunday and Wednesday nights - sometimes it is even easy to grumble and murmur a little at the amount of our lives it all takes up!  And oftentimes, it is a considerable sacrifice.

But there's nothing like not having all of that to wake you up to the blessing it really is.

We have never had to wonder 

who to call with questions about the community,

where to turn for help with moving furniture,

how to find others who share our faith,

who will help give blessings in times of sickness,

and so much more.

Though we've lived across the continent from our families, we have been surrounded by family.

Literal brothers and sisters.

So blessed.

But now, we have the opportunity to grow and experience life without a lot of that support.

Perhaps be that support to others.

So this is how church  in the Bush Branch goes.  The Bush Branch, by the way, is based in Anchorage and encompasses a geographical area larger than all of Texas.  The "bush" country of Alaska.  We have a branch presidency that lives in Anchorage, and an elder's quorum and Relief Society presidency that have been great about contacting us already with newsletter emails and a phone call for Nate.  On Sundays, we call a 1-800 number that hooks us up to a conference call based at the chapel (I think) in Anchorage.  Priesthood is at 9am, followed by sacrament meeting, which proceeds quite normally.  Of course, there are some differences.  Roll is called over the phone and visitors get to announce who and where and how many they are. They can see your phone numbers, so you don't speak up and they don't know you, they'll ask!

You put your phone on mute and listen while the speakers give their talks, and sing along with the hymns as they are played over the phone.  When its time for the sacrament, the conducting brother says, "We'll now have the sacrament," and there is a long pause to bless and take your own.  (We had pretzel sticks and some water in an appetizer cup the first time!)

Sunday school is pretty much as usual, except, of course, if you want to comment you have to un-mute your phone and interject who you are before you do so.  I actually really enjoyed it; I felt like I had to pay closer attention to get anything out of it, and the deeper personal engagement really brought the Spirit to the lesson for me.  There also has to be more active participation than a normal sunday school class. Obviously non-verbal participation doesn't work out very well and if you don't speak up, the teacher is left talking the WHOLE time, so it kind of pulls your thoughts out of you.  At least it did for me. :) Relief Society was that way too.  Even though we only know of a few other families in this area that are LDS, and have only even met two of them, it was wonderful to feel the Spirit and light that come as we sing and pray and worship and discuss the restored gospel together.  

There is a little chapel here, as there used to be a branch.  Apparently too many people moved away, so it was merged with the Bush Branch, but I think it would be great if we could get enough of us together to organize a new branch and open the building! 

Then, Again,

When this little person wakes up happy from a good long nap and does ecstatic snow angels on the bed just because you walk into the bedroom...

in that moment...

its easy to be happy.

So Far Away

Sometimes, the actual distance becomes very real.  When you've been without a phone for two weeks, when your internet connection has been spotty and not in real time with real acquaintances, when the world outside is covered in wet, white slipperiness and the only living things you've talked to all week besides your husband and baby are two neighborhood dogs you first thought were the neighborhood wolves you'd been warned about - oh, right, I did actually get to talk to the two people who came to install our local landline yesterday - you realize how far away you are.  And when the baby has been fighting sleep for an hour every nap and bed time for the last three days, but when you let her stay up she's just cranky and unhappy anyway, its easy to feel the negativity creep, roll, swirl back in.  Grumpiness.  Resentment.  Bitterness.  Frustration.  Ugly words.  Ugly emotions.  Easy to sink in the slow quicksand of self-absorption.
But like I told my friend upon learning of this move - "I am not happy about it, but being unhappy won't make me happy, so I'm trying to be happy about it." Ultimately, no one else is going to "save" me from this.  Others can comfort, distract, and help with some of the struggle, but I know from past experience that if I want to actually get out of the quicksand, I have to reach up to the only One who can really lift me out of it and choose to hold on. His hand is extended and He is willing to help me, it is true, but I have to choose to raise my arms and cling to His outstretched hand.  Its sounds so trite, almost, and easy, so picturesque and storybook, but let me tell you - it is not.  It doesn't happen just by saying.  It doesn't work to make a token effort and then expect the miracle of salvation.
Sometimes we say, "Well, I tried and it didn't work, so really what I need is ____." What I really need is whatever other fix seems attractive and available and easy - shopping, medication, chocolate, a girl's night out, etc. (Please note: I am NOT saying these things are bad or that they can't help.  Sometimes they are needed and can help, and if they are in our power, great! Go for it!) We think the solution would be to change the situation. (Again, sometimes that IS the solution; I'm not against that!) 
When its really hard, though, and those other things are not available, or don't help, and you can't (or shouldn't) change the situation, I've found that the real solution is to change myself.  And that is HARD.  And sometimes I just don't want to!  But then it comes back down to the question -
Do I really want to be happy?
Because if I do, the choice is clear.  Do the work it takes to cling onto His hand.  Choose every day, every hour, every minute if you have to, to focus on Him.  Choose to fill your mind and heart with His words, His promises, His praises, to the conscious exclusion of the negativity and darkness that lurks ever-ready.  Choose to trust Him and trust that He has a plan for you and that somehow, this is part of His plan.
I know it works, because it's worked before, in darker, harder, worse situations than this.  I just have to do it.
And, hey! I'm a daughter of the pioneers! Talk about "so far away!"  Maybe I should just pull up my, er, bootstraps, and realize how good I really have it!