I began to write this several months ago, while we were still very much in a state of transition.
Not just transition, but uncertainty, separation, and stress. And sometimes, in the midst of the struggle, it is better to let one's thoughts and feelings mature and ripen in private, to allow for the work that perspective and time do. So I didn't post it then.
But now, while still in the end stages of transition, much of the stress and uncertainty have been worked through and things are not quite so raw, not quite so desperate feeling.
Goodness, anyone who reads this whole blog will probably think that I am a very dramatic, perpetually struggling, weak-willed mess of a woman! Well, maybe I am. I do tend to write more during and about my personal hard times. I find it both cathartic and therapeutic, and I have found great relief and insight from reading about other's struggles, faith, and real lives, so I guess it doesn't matter how any reader might perceive me... If you know me, reading this blog might give you new insight into different facets of my character, and if you don't know me... I guess you can just draw your own conclusions. :)
We had come to the conclusion that it was time to leave King Salmon, and went ahead with that move despite the fact that we, at that time, had no further employment. I am so grateful to my dear husband for the way he listened to me and counselled with me and then had the faith and courage to jump, so to speak, out of a perfectly good airplane. I mean, leave a paying job to move his family for their good, without another job already lined up. He takes his role as our provider and protector very seriously, and does a very good job at it, and I know this period of time was a huge stress for him. I was very excited to leave King Salmon, although it had come to be more of a blessing and less of a trial over the months. In fact, our last months there were so good, so full of warmth and happiness, with so many new connections, that it was just starting to feel actually do-able. I had a few fleeting thoughts that, perhaps, in seeking for something better, I would just be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, but for many reasons, it was the right time to leave.
And so we did.
I am so grateful for the generosity of my in-laws, in letting us come and stay at their house in Utah for several months. It is not easy to add a whole other family to a household and maintain loving, peaceful order. There were struggles all around, and I'm sorry for the added stress we brought to the house. Nevertheless, it was a blessing to get to know Nate's side of the family better, to let them love our little ones and see our little ones learn to love them! I was so disappointed that for much of the time we were there, Eden and Lucy were dealing with their first real colds, as well as the serious disruption of their previously very predictable lives and family, which meant that they were definitely not on their "best" behavior. (As a parent, its almost sad sometimes how very much you want others to see the precious person that your child really is, how very easy it is to resent mis-judgment and long for mercy for your child's sake!)
It really was such a blessing, on a very fundamental level, to have a safe place to come and be with our family and have their support while Nate was gone so very much. I never thought I could find a harder schedule for families than that of a bush pilot, but - oh, my - I am SO glad that our time as a trucking family was limited!
In the middle of it all, with Nate gone long and random hours (days, weeks!), trying to settle and balance two little girls whose world had turned topsy-turvy, our living compressed into one room and confined to the indoors due to continued temperatures below zero (even King Salmon was warmer!), not knowing where we were going next or when we were going there.... I came to a very important realization for me.
This was hard.
There was no denying that.
But I had the power to make it infinitely harder on myself by thinking that it was harder than it should be.
By expecting someone to help me with the house, the children, the state of my emotions.
By thinking that my husband should always be available or around.
Such a very basic realization. It almost seems silly to look at it written out. It made a huge difference in my life though!
I don't remember what sparked my lightbulb moment. I do remember the illumination it brought!
This was not harder than it should be.
This is just the way it was.
With that conclusion, my ability to deal with it all increased greatly.
So, to go back to the title of this post, I don't know who ever told me that life should be easy. Or happy. Or that it would go the way I wanted or expected. In fact, I remember quite clearly learning the opposite! "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things..."
So maybe I could blame it on our culture, this self-centered modern age, that wicked one, or Disney's happily ever after. I think the actual culprit might just be immaturity (as in, just plain lack of experience and perspective).
But whoever is to blame, I think that we are set up for (or we set ourselves up for) a failure in life or, at the very least, a pretty hard time, by the attitude that life should be easier, more "fulfilling", more fun, more adventure, more enjoyable, more what we expected.
Besides that, when we focus on all the things we think life SHOULD be, we miss life as it is - the ease, the fulfillment, the fun, the adventure, the enjoyment, and the blessing that we have right before us.
:)
