Quick Update on Our Life

   Time is flying by, and my little babes are growing up!  I wanted to write some of these moments down and preserve them, since the journal has been gathering dust in a box for many months now...

  Lucy is our little love.  I know I'm so much more relaxed with her at this age than I was with Eden, partly because of the difference in our circumstances and the toll that took on all of us, partly because Eden was the first and I didn't know any better, and partly because when Eden was this age (17 months) Lucy was born.  Having neither another baby nor even another pregnancy so far, Lucy reaps the benefits in patience and energy.  She is also just a different personality than Eden, which certainly makes a difference in our relationships!  However, she doesn't just lay back and rest on the baby laurels. She is very steadily and persistently growing up right under my nose.  Every night I look at her, sprawled on the bed, and think, "When did she get to be so LONG!"  She loves to put on shoes, even my high heels, and hats to a lesser degree.  She's saying all sorts of words, from "bucket" to "monster," (with the appropriate big eyed, apprehensive look), and signs & says, "More More More," and all the others from baby signing time.  She just recently potty trained, so now her cute little bottom is in panties during her waking hours.  Sometimes she'll come running and tell me, "Potty! Potty!" but mostly she will just hold it til I take her, and since I take her at reasonable intervals, we stay clean and dry! I love it! :)  Lucy loves her Daddy, going to church, tasty food, and when Eden wakes up, and expresses her excitement at all of the above, and anything else, by letting off an ecstatic scream at the top of her lungs.  She has to cover her mouth if she wants to scream so in the car, but otherwise it just makes me laugh to see her so very excited.  Reading is, of course, a preferred activity, and her favorite book, currently, is an illustrated edition of the Wizard of Oz, that Arlie and Tory sent to us.  Its too longwinded to read to them, but we page through it and tell the story, hooking it to the pictures.  She chooses it every time I send her to go get a book, and will even sit and look through it on her own!  Lucy is Eden's devoted sidekick.  She sometimes suffers for her proximity (kicked, pushed, water dumped on her head, steam-rolled, etc), and Eden has several times been caught inciting her to do what I just told her not to, but I love to see them sitting side-by-side against the kitchen wall, eating snacks together, with Eden's arm casually draped over Lucy's shoulder, just happy to be together.  And Lucy knows very well how to come running to Mama with a tattle to share, and is learning to fight back. :/ One of their favorite (?) new things to do is, if Lucy says, "I want it!" (which sounds a lot like "Ah-ahhnt!") Eden gets right in her face, nose to nose, and shouts back, "No, I want it!" and then its Lucy's turn and then its Eden's turn, on and on until/unless I put a stop to it.  They are definitely quarreling, but with an odd spark of perverse delight in both of them.  But Lucy is a lover, very kind and compassionate.  If she even has a hint that you are hurt or upset, she will come over and lavish hugs and kisses all over, until you basically have to tell her to stop.  And if Daddy is giving out kisses before he leaves for work, she makes sure he gives us each one so no one is forgotten. :)

Eden is also growing up, and I see more and more signs of the three year old she will be in a month!  More self-control, more desire to understand, more ability and desire to follow directions, to mimic actions in a meaningful sequence.  Extreme imagination and burning desire to "play with someone," and pretend all day long.  If you see any pictures of her from the last 6 months, chances are she is wearing her ball-gown, a pink plaid maternity shirt with the neckline taken in to prevent shoulder slippage.  Her other favorite outfit consists of a large onesie (her "ballerina-tard"), a purple sparkly tutu from Grandma Sue, and thick purple tights.  I don't know how she stands wearing them, as most days I am melting into a puddle of sweat in our house, but woe betide anyone who dares to refuse her the chance to wear them!  Eden loves to watch ballets, and as I prefer that media fare to most Disney (and certainly all recent films!) she's seen Peter and the Wolf, Swan Lake, The Nutcracker (more times than I can count!) and Cinderella, and begs to see them again and again.  We do a lot of dancing to satisfy the ballet itch!  Just the other week, she spent the day at a friend's house while Nate and I went to the temple, and watched Frozen.  Duhn-duhn-duhn!!! We'd avoided it til now, but she came home, singing, "Let it Go!!! Let it Go!!!" and draping herself in a purple blanket to be a very dramatic Elsa.  That was ALL we heard about for the next week, and it was driving me CRAZY!  I don't know how all those with kids addicted to it, stand it!!! She even told me, "I don't have to hold your hand or stay on the sidewalk on our walks.  I have the freezing powers in my hands and I can just FREEZE the cars so they don't get me! For real!!!"  That was a little scary! So I checked out "St. George and the Dragon," illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman, from the library.  Worked like a charm.  Frozen was relegated to the sidelines, and we read George, danced George, pretended George, and retold George at bedtimes and naps.  Forget Elsa, Eden was now Una, the dragon lurked around every corner, and Daddy was the Red Cross Knight!  Of course, Eden's character is such that while she willing fled for her knight when danger presented itself, she also wanted to get in there and be right by his side fighting the dragon.  :)  Another time, while we were reading Beatrice Potter's "Two Bad Mice," the mice were angry to find that the food wasn't real and began throwing things out the windows.  Eden said, "If I was there, I would throw them out the window!"  And while watching Cinderella's sisters ruin her dress, she exclaimed, "They shouldn't do that! If I was there, I would rip up their dresses!!!"  She has a strong and innate sense of protective and proactive justice!  As all little ones, Eden certainly gets into her share of naughtiness, and recently, when she does, will call out, "Don't see me!" or if we are right there watching, will cover her eyes with her hand while she does the mischief, as if we can't see her if she can't see us.  It is hilariously exasperating!  Mostly, though, those moments come about when she is over-tired, or hungry, or bored and seeking attention.  When she is good, she is very, very good, and she certainly wants us to be happy with her.  She tells us often and expressively, "I LOVE you, Mommy! I love you so much. I love you two, three, ten!"  Nate and I sometimes take turns with the bedtime routine, and sometimes she will pre-emptively request my presence at bedtime before we have even sat down for dinner.  Her eyes are still a sparkly hazel,though she says they are white and green, and sometimes insists they are pink (as pink is still the queen of colors around here) and her hair, which she insists is blond, is caramel brown corkscrew curls.  I love it!  We are learning how to help it stay curls and not just frizz out as it gets longer.

   I am doing very well myself. A few months ago, I got inspired and cut myself a set of side-swept bangs.  Due to a cowlick in the front center of my hairline and fairly curly hair myself, I've never had bangs, but somehow I thought it was a good idea....  When I got started, I kept thinking, hmm, that's not quite right, and snipping more, and more, and suddenly I looked at myself and thought, "AAAHHHHH! What have I done!!!??? Put down the scissors, bobby pin it all back, and hope it grows quickly!!!"  But after a few days of experimentation, I figured it out and actually was quite pleased with it!  However, I did realized that Hawaii is the wrong place to cut bangs or layers around your face.  They make you so much hotter, and not in the desirable way!  So while I don't regret doing it, mostly I just roll or clip them back unless I'm going on a date without children to an air-conditioned location.  ;)  Our ward is wonderful.  Our house is what we need.  Our job provides for us and allows Nate to be home an extreme amount of time. Our life is good. :)

Comedian

(This was from a month ago, when Nate had been gone for several weeks.)

Last night I was the comedian.  I totally brought the house down.  Mine was a slapstick act involving a mischievous green spiky ball and my efforts to restrain it.  The girls sat on either end of the table, Eden ensconced in her seat of choice, the Bumbo, and Lucy strapped into the booster seat with a tray.  It was basically a juggling act, but I kept dropping the ball and chasing it, or throwing it over my head, or tumbling with it on the floor, complete with silly faces and sound effects.  The girls were totally overcome with hilarity.
I never thought of myself as a funny person.  I never thought of myself as particularly outgoing, and definitely not the type to be crazy and wild.  Spontaneity and silliness were not my trademarks; dignity and reserve were much more my style. I was much more comfortable with understated than over-the-top.

Being a mom brings out every side of me - the good, the wonderful, the bad, the awful, and the downright, flat-out silly.  And I love it.  There is nothing more delightful than pure laughter rippling freely from my sweet little daughters' lips.  I don't care how silly, undignified, or crazy I have to be - its worth it. :)

Lots of Random Pictures from the last couple of months

Super-Nana!  Eden LOVED all the adventures that Nana was willing to include her in, like hauling wood, picking citrus fruit from a neighbor, visiting the chickens or the horses or the dogs, working in the garden plot, or just going for adventures.  I was so thankful!

Walking with cousin Chloe.

Lucy, not an hour old.  In my parent's kitchen, in Papa's arms.

Another snuggle time with Papa. It warms my heart to see my children as the recipients of my parents love and care.

Lucy, napping with Aunt Brynne.  Less than 2 weeks old.

I love the delight on my mom's face! A precious, though squished, moment, with four cousins and their Nana.

Lucy looks a little skeptical.

Another adventure with cousin Chloe!

Sisters!

Home in Alaska...Eden is going through cousin withdrawals and insists on including Lucy in her play.  She clearly indicated where I was to put each one of the elements of the above picture.

I just love this one!

Eden with homemade tub paints.  She loved it, and kept saying, "Rainbow! Rainbow!" as she smeared and glopped.

Out for a walk with her baby sometime in April.  She's making the baby wave "hello!"  The hat and socks were her additions to make sure baby Peter was warm enough outside. 

Babywearing - its never too early to learn!

"Yeah...my sister has a thing for hats... At least she didn't cover my eyes this time!"

Applesauce on the door sill on a lovely May day.

Where Eden gets her ideas about babywearing. :)

Eden Update

Our little girl is getting so big!

Lucy - Eden loves her little sister.  She calls her "Lu-Lu" (and is the only person allowed to do so!;) and when she's feeling super affectionate will upgrade it to "Lulu-Baba" or "Lulu-beebee," which I think is her version of "baby Lucy."  Sometimes its even just "Lu-Ba."  Eden is always excited to find Lucy lying in some accessible place - the floor, the couch, the jumper - and snuggles right up to her, laying her head on Lucy's chest much as she does with Nate and me.  Of course that pretty much squashes Lucy, but she's a good sport about it! She's also discovered that its hilarious to stick her finger as far as she can in Lucy's throat and watch/hear/feel her reaction.  I can pretty much guess exactly what she's doing when I here a certain delighted and uncontrollable giggling coming from around the corner.
Eden is very much a girl when it comes to colors, pink and purple being her definite favorites.  If there's a choice, those are the winners, whether in food, clothes, flowers, or toys.  She also knows green, blue, black and white sometimes, orange, and yellow.
Hats are required for any outfit to be complete.
Back in December, I brought home a DVD of The Nutcracker from the library.  I didn't know how she would react, but it turned out that she loved it and would watch it for as long as I would let her.  She would dance and twirl and fall down, only to get up and watch and dance again.  When we visited California, she learned a lot more about dancing from her aunts and her three year old cousin, and her passion for the Nutcracker continued.  These days she asks for the music three or four (or ten!) times a day, always with the same urgency and enthusiasm, and her dancing now includes jumping, twirls without falling down, spinning (which does result in falling down), and all sorts of creative and dramatic flourishes and kicks.  She'll dance with her dollies, with some little paper bears I cut out for her, with Mama or Daddy, or by herself.  She wishes Lucy would get up and dance with her - she'll grab her hand and pull up on it, exclaiming, "Up! Up!" - but that won't be happening for a while.
Speaking of the Nutcracker, one of the things she learned from her cousin was that the Nutcracker died at one point in the ballet.  So for nearly a month, everything "died."  Daddy, Mama, dollies, Lucy, Eden herself...she's very drawn to the dramatic and emotionally intense side of life. We tried to derail that obsession by telling her he didn't die, he just got broken.  So now everything is "broke."
Eden loves to read!  She wakes up and the first word out of her mouth is, "Eat!"  If we don't respond appropriately, she'll make sure we got the message by signing eat, first on herself, and then on us!  When we get downstairs, however, she switches from "Eat!" to "Read!"  She loves Curious George, a series of old Disney books my mom gave us, and Beatrice Potter's Jeremy Fisher, but she's pretty much an omnivore.  Last night I found her sitting on her blanket, poring over a massage manual.  It amazes me how much she comprehends of the spoken word.  She's only just beginning to be very verbal, but her understanding of conversations and oral storytelling is astounding.
We started Eden with elimination communication from the time she was about two weeks old and went through all the ups and downs of that.  By ten months she would tell us when she had to poop, and she did all her poops in the potty (except the occasional miss) and I must say, that has been SO nice.  We pretty much gave up on catching the pee though.  I thought I'd have her potty trained before Lucy, and then before we came back to Alaska, but that didn't happen.  So we got down to business a few weeks ago, and really focused.  For three days I changed many wet panties, pants, skirts, and tights, and mopped/soaked up numerous puddles.  I gave up.  I decided she must not be ready, and resigned myself to putting her back in diapers.  But that night she woke up at 4:30 am, bolted out of bed and ran to to potty and peed.  And every twenty minutes, for the rest of the night, wanted to get up and go potty.  I was so over it!  But we've progressed in our potty training journey from that day, and now she's in panties, except for naptime and bedtimes. (That's been its own struggle. She would ask to go potty at least 5 times every time we put her to sleep, and it was seriously delaying the process.  We finally came down to declaring, "If you're wearing panties, you pee in the potty.  If you're wearing a diaper, you pee in your diaper."  Maybe it will backfire when we want to get her out of diapers for good, but for now its the only way to get her to relax and go to sleep.)
Some other concepts and words she's been experimenting with  include "NO!" "Happy!" and "Cranky." When she's being cranky, we ask her if she wants to go to the cranky corner, a little alcove at the end of our entry hall. This is not framed as a punishment or a time out, just as a place to go to get yourself under control. She usually says yes, takes herself over there, stands there for a few seconds, and then comes out saying, "Happy!" It melts my heart, though, when she comes up to me, out of the blue, and tells me she's happy.  That is what I want for her!

Oh yes! She calls herself "Eenie," and she says oopsies, "eepoo!"

One more thing.  This update is about three months old! Eepoo! :) She has grown and changed so much that I need to do a whole new edition already.  I didn't want to lose this, though.

I am not so different...

I've heard about how parents are, surprisingly, not uncommonly the ones to introduce their children to smoking, drinking, and illegal drugs. 

I've wondered, "How could they do that?"

Even if you, yourself, were addicted or used those substances, isn't it obvious (not to mention extremely well publicized) that they are BAD FOR YOU!!??  What parent, in their right mind, gives their child things that are bad for them?  Knowing the love I feel for my girls and the desires I have for them, and imagining that it is nothing out of the ordinary - don't all parents feel that way toward their precious children? - I have often marveled at how this could happen.

But, you know....

I just realized, I am not so very different.  

No, my substance is in no way illegal, nor is it particularly harmful (though there are some that would say it is.:) 

No Bake Cookies.  Globs of peanut buttery, chocolately, oatey deliciousness.  Some even have tender little marshmallows hidden inside.  Oh, my.  

I'm having a very hard time resisting them.  We made a double batch to share, on Sunday, and though we did share some, there are far too many still sitting on my kitchen counter.  Maybe the oats make me feel like they are healthier than regular cookies, but I highly doubt the truth of that conclusion.  Whatever it is, I have been eating WAY too many.  A quick fix to hunger, soothing distraction to frustration, loneliness, whatever the emotion of the moment, and generally just fun to consume.

Eden came up to me as I stood there eating my fourth (shame!) and wanted some.  And though I knew she really didn't need one, wouldn't be better off for having one, I gave her some.  Because I was enjoying it.  

(Ok, I do realize there is a big difference between cookies and drugs.  And I am one of those moms who lets her kids have cookies, cake, ice cream, dessert, etc, when we have it.  I certainly don't adhere to the school of no treats or no sugar. I think its good to share good things in moderation!)  

But in that moment, I felt a sudden epiphany burst upon me.  Here I am, doing what I know I should not be, and including my daughter.  Its fun.  Its tasty.  It feels good in the moment.  

A sudden insight into a pocket of unconscious pride.  

I am not so very different.

Good inspiration to be who I should be more consistently.

my dream job + reality/a humbling day

I love being a stay-at-home mother.

No, let me say that again.

I LOVE being a stay-at-home mother.

It is my dream job.

I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing!

These were the thoughts that ran through my head last Monday night, as I looked at my precious daughters lying on either side of me in peaceful slumber.  The room was darkened to a comfortable twilight by blackout curtains, and the memory-foam of the bed was warm enough to make us a cozy snuggle, but not yet warm enough to make us a sweaty pile.  I re-played the day in my mind.

Busy, it was, but with the calm, ordered busy-ness of just enough time and tasks to fit well together.  We'd gone for a walk outside, since the weather was finally starting to warm a little. (A high of 35, but that's great compared to 18!)  We'd read stories upon stories.  We'd danced to the Nutcracker.  I made our Monday night dinner of beans and bread, warm and fresh and filling and tasty.  The laundry was not only washed, it was folded and put away!  The girls had gone down peacefully for a nap, slept well, been cheerful all afternoon, and bedtime had proceeded like clockwork.  Daddy was home from an all weekend flying job.  Yes, I loved my life. 

I thought of all the ways that my job was the best.  :)

I am my own boss.  

I don't have to think about what I'm getting paid, how many hours I lack or am overtime, or losing my job.

I get to work with my favorite people.

I get to choose when and how I do what I have to do, and even (to a certain degree) decide what, exactly, I do have to do.

I get to pour out my best, my love, my enthusiasm, my desires, without stint.

I get to confront problems and then find and implement the answer. (I love to do that kind of trouble-shooting, research, whatever you want to call it!)

If I want to change things - I can!  If I like the way I'm doing it - I don't have to change!

I nuzzled my toddler's hard little head, butted up against my cheek, and gently squeezed my baby's soft, dimpled arm, and gloried in my blessings.

And then there was Tuesday.

Smack in the face reality.

Mom-Fail.

(At least that's what it felt like.)

Everything just started off on the wrong foot! I was distracted, Eden was excitable and mischievous, and Lucy was needy.  The morning was frittered away on unimportant bits and pieces, as all my nice plans and goals dripped down the drain.  Panties were wet (multiple times), food rejected and thrown overboard, and toys strewn hither and yon.  My patience wore thin.  Lucy was hungry but then had a burp and wouldn't settle to eat, or she finally slept only to be rudely awoken by Eden's loving ministrations.  My patience wore thinner.  Naptime came, finally!  The "reset" button to the day, if you will.  My hopes were doused when it became a huge power struggle - Eden wouldn't go to sleep, I wouldn't let her get up, so we all stayed on the bed til 2 o'clock, with Eden whining, kicking the wall, kicking her mama, standing on her head, burrowing under the covers, sucking on the wrong end of her water bottle, triumphantly getting up to go to the potty and then coming back and throwing a fit all over again at the prospect of laying down.  And of course, me reacting to each of her actions.  I knew I was making it worse, but I was tired and fed up and couldn't seem to break the cycle!  More than once, she got quiet, and then quieter, and stiller, and was alllllmost asleep....and then realized it and woke herself up again with silliness.  

So we got up, and she was a whiny mess of tired toddler, and I was a fed-up mess of tired mama, and what did I do? 

Basically ignored her for the rest of the afternoon.  

I know.  Not something I'm terribly proud of.  

I just did other stuff, took care of some emails, fed Lucy, and benignly neglected my Eden. 

Not out of calm, thought-out, mommy strategy, but out of sheer "I can't deal with this right now!" desperation.

Funny thing is, she whined about for awhile.  She tried to get me to engage. (I did; I wasn't being mean, I just took care of whatever she really needed and then left her to her own devices.)  And then she just started playing on her own.  She crashed her little bike and the kiddycar on the kitchen floor.  She scattered her (dry) beans all over.  She dumped out the Duplos, and piled her stuffed animals under the coffee table.  Books were here, there, and everywhere!  The house was a disaster.  

I just tuned out the whiny-ness and the mess, and wrapped myself up in a bit of calm.

Then I had to change Lucy's diaper.  I buzzed her chubby tummy, and made silly sounds at her.  Suddenly I heard Eden's giggle, and looking over, saw her leaning on the axle of her upside-down bike, watching us, and laughing uncontrollably.  She was a pumpkin, past the stage of irritability and coming into the slap-happy giggles.  

Who can resist a little girl giggling? Everything I did made her laugh harder, until I was laughing out loud too.  Reset.

We giggled and were silly, ate an improvised dinner, had a splashy bath and went to bed.

I still love being a stay-at-home mom, even on the hard days.  But those humbling days do make me not take myself so seriously!

Mother of Two

Somehow, I never thought it would be such a huge transition, going from one child to two.  I've done kids before!  Multiple kids, of all ages!  Why would adding a new baby to my so-far only child be so different, so  challenging, so down-right HARD?

(Okay, I didn't actually think that.  I just didn't really think about it at all.)

It was a challenge from the first weeks of pregnancy to adjust to parenting Eden under the simultaneous demands of morning sickness, milk decreasing, girth increasing, energy waxing and waning (but mostly waning), and all the changes that come with the expectant state.  I learned a lot about slowing down and allowing or even asking for help as I thought I needed it.  Thankfully, Eden was mostly happy and ready to become more independent, bit by bit.  

But when Lucy was born...

One night, when Lucy was just a few days old, Eden woke up crying.  I was in bed, next to the wall, with Lucy, and we had already spent most of the night wrestling with repeated newborn poopy diapers and the process of establishing breastfeeding.  Nate, sleeping to the outside, got up to comfort Eden and help her go back to sleep.  Except that she wouldn't.  She was still getting over a nasty cold, and all she wanted was her mama.  All I wanted was to go to her and make it all better, but Lucy had just latched on and was nursing avidly.  I knew Eden was safe in her loving daddy's patient (if somewhat exasperated) arms, and that I needed to lay still and let my body heal, as well as take care of Lucy, but my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my body!  It was so hard to not be able to be there for her!  (And I will ever be grateful to my husband for dealing so patiently with all of us that night and not just leaving her to cry it out.  I don't think I could have handled that!)

It was such a hard thing for me to learn and be okay with the fact that I could no longer give my all to my one child, because now I had two children to give my all to.  And the logical extension of that realization is that each child, therefore, gets less.  And I was not okay with that!  The depth of desire I have for my children to be blessed and cared for is beyond what I could have comprehended before they came into my life.  It is hard to back up, let go, and trust, when all I want to do is make it all right for them!  In this light, I can understand better some people's decision to limit the number of their children in order to provide more, be there more fully, or in any way, make their lives better.

Except...
I am the fifth of eleven children.
I do not feel deprived, neglected, or like my life was in any way worse for having ten siblings.
I am very glad that my parents did not stop before I was born, and just as glad that they did not stop after I was born!  I treasure each one of my siblings, and each has contributed so much to my growth, my development, and the quality of my life.
I love and admire my mother and my father; I never doubted their love for, and devotion to, me, and to all of my brothers and sisters.  I knew they were sacrificing and doing a hard work in inviting all of us to their family, and I was so glad they were willing to!
I do not consider myself to have received "less" of anything, really, due to multiple siblings.  Only more.

So I am learning to trust that Heavenly Father will fill in the gaps, and that even as my capabilities are stretched to beyond their limit, His glorious grace will pour through the cracks into my children's lives.

(And yes, as the weeks pass, we are settling into our rhythm together and finding ease once again.  As a wise man once said (and I can't remember who it was), "That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do - not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our capacity to do it has increased." Or something like that.  But I know that much of that ease is coming as I learn to more fully rely on Heavenly Father as a mother of two.)