This week's Relief Society lesson was all about character, integrity, and one's standing before the Lord. I have to confess, I have really slacked (up to this point) on reading the lessons in preparations for Sundays. I know I should, I know I would get more out of each meeting and be able to contribute better, but there are so many reasons why I just haven't done it.
Thursday was a stake leadership training meeting. Of course, I couldn't go, but they had it all set up so that we could call in like we do for church and at least listen to what went on. Calling in has its pro's and cons. I love being able to sit on my couch with my feet up and my pajamas on, nursing my baby as she needs it, while still attending my meetings and fulfilling my calling. (For church on Sundays, we do dress up and try to make it a little more formal.) However, I don't like not always being able to hear or tell exactly what's going on, and the trickiness of participating highly discourages that kind of connection. The one piece of counsel that I heard, remembered, and applied was the admonishment to at least read, if not study, the lesson prior to Sunday, not only for my own benefit but so that I could contribute to the lesson and help the teacher out if needed.
So I read the lesson.
And, as I knew it would, it blessed my life.
One part struck me, not so much while reading it on my own, but definitely during the lesson. The paragraph reads-
"We must hearken to ... whisperings (of the Holy Ghost) and conform to its suggestions, and by no act of our lives drive it from us. It is true that we are weak, erring creatures...but so soon as we discover ourselves in a fault, we should repent of that wrongdoing and as far as possible repair or make good the wrong we may have committed. By taking this course we strengthen our character, we advance out own cause, and we fortify ourselves against temptation; and in time we shall have so far overcome as to really astonish ourselves at the progress we have made in self-government, and in improvement."
Our teacher asked for some of us to share experiences regarding these words, and, as the staticky moments ticked on without comment, I searched my brain for a something to say, some way to "help" my teacher out. What floated up really amazed me, and though perhaps it didn't help anyone else, it opened my perspective again to the work Heavenly Father is doing in my life.
When we came here, last year, it was the beginning of a really hard time for me. So many things about this situation have really pushed me beyond what I thought were my limits. More than once - many times, actually - I felt the darkness of depression, despair, discouragement, loneliness, anger, frustration, and misunderstanding settle over me, and found myself struggling to see the light. Through much effort, faith, and time, I gradually came out of that darkness into a certain resigned, if consciously blinder-ed, contentment, and from there to a real peace and a joyful life again. I rejoiced to leave for the holidays and Lucy's birth. I privately, and publicly, hoped to never return. :) And when we made the decision to come back for another 8 months, I cried. And yet...
Somehow, its different this time around. It may be partly because of the end in sight, and partly because I'm not dealing with the physical and emotional effects of pregnancy, but I think its more than that. I looked back at my difficult Alaska summer during my time of strengthening and rejoicing in California and wondered how I could have been such a "weak, erring creature." Why was it so hard? Was I just a wimp? Was I just making mountains out of molehills? If I look at it that way, then some of of this blog is a pretty embarrassing look at my vulnerabilities and struggles.
I prefer not to look at it that way.
Rather, let's consider it from this angle. Weakness is a natural state of being. Its how we all start. Anything. We may find natural talent, or ease, in a situation or skill, and perhaps certain other strengths, previously developed, give us a headstart, but no one is strong at the very beginning. Strength is developed. Therefore, weakness and struggle is not something to be ashamed of! It is a start, an opportunity, a sign that you are still living and growing and progressing. A sign that you are human, just one of a large family of people who each struggle in their own way and time.
So I look back, and I look forward, and I ponder my present state, and I "astonish myself at the progress I have made in self-government and improvement."
Isn't it amazing what we learn about ourselves when we do what we know we should? :)
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