Mud Puddles

I felt so convicted in my heart today!  Sometimes, church is hard for me because, I realize, I am focused on all my responsibilities, my jobs, my calling vs. my mothering, my abilities to do what I think is needed or expected of me, the struggles to get my children acting the way they should so that they, and I, and those around us, can get anything out of the meetings.  I end up feeling inadequate and judged and defensive and hostile.

Wow! Writing it out is pretty harsh!

You know, that’s a sin.

Not a sin like murder or denying the Holy Ghost, or even maybe like stealing or lying, but a more pernicious and undermining one.  Those others are so obviously wrong that they are like huge pits.

“Oh, look! There’s a pit! Drive around it! Don’t fall in! Stay far away!” is the natural reaction.

Whereas, this…

This is like mud, starting shallow, and gradually becoming a quagmire, a sinking slime of quicksand.

A little mud is not a problem, right?

I mean, you can just drive right on through and come up on the other side just fine; wash the splashes off and none the worse for wear.  We all get muddy every so often, right?

Ok.

Right.  Much of the time that’s true.

But what about when the mud only gets deeper?  How can you tell, just by looking, whether it's a surface puddle or a deep morass?

You can’t always.  And you can’t always avoid the puddles.  But you can avoid some of them.  And thankfully, if you do find yourself in one of those puddles, you can choose where your intake valve is.  If its low, you’re going to suck up water and your motor will totally die – not only will you be spinning tires, you’ll internalize the water, the darkness, the sin, and you will lose that power, that light, that desire in yourself to keep going and get out of the mud.

If its high, you can keep that internal drive, even if you end up spinning tires for a while.  Thankfully, there is a celestial tow service on call.

Often the tow, the jump (if needed) comes from one of their agents here on earth.  After all, to paraphrase a prophet, the Lord hears our prayers, but it is often through a brother or a sister that he answers them.

But even when there is no one around us, no mortal nearby, no physical hand to hold, no warm arms to hug, no audible voice to hear,

Even then, He is there.

Jesus is our Savior.  He WILL save us, if we just ask and reach out to him.  The real sin of my heart in these times is a lack of faith, a lack of focus on Him, that allows me to be so bogged down and depressed.  That lack separates me from His marvelous love and light just as surely as one of the more “serious” sins would, yet I am less likely to notice and change myself, and it is less likely that I will be chastened, uplifted, encouraged, or gently brought along by my brothers and sisters.

(Not that I want anybody to come after me all the time with lectures and sermons and preachiness!! J I’m not asking for a personal avenging angel on my case!  I really appreciate the opportunity to exercise my agency and grow at my own pace, in my own personal relationship and walk with Christ!  I just mean, if we knew that there was a sister who was tempted to or in a situation where one of those more serious sins threatened, wouldn’t we be more apt to reach out, include, talk about our faith, show encouraging examples, praise the Lord (openly, though not ostentatiously) for his power and mercy, etc?  Like I said, I don’t want/need anyone to do anything different toward me – this is just my musings, working things over in my mind.)

Anyway, it is true.

I do need to do better.

There are some things I need to be more mindful of, more careful of.

Repentance is in order.

But most of all, the repentance that I need is the one that turns my heart away from my own small self,

my own failings (real and perceived),

my little wallow of pity-party and resentment and lack,

 and focuses on He who is the Light of the World,

He whose grace can make my weak things become strong,

 He whose strength is made perfect in weakness and

He loves me so much that He died for me.

It really is that simple.

It really is.

Now to do it.

(This started as a personal reflective writing, somewhat stream-of-consciousness, but then the puddle of mud metaphor came out of nowhere and I was reminded of several times we or various acquaintances here in Alaska have gotten stuck in puddles, or pits, or boggy mud out in the middle of the woods... and the rest just came out. ;)