Making and Living with Decisions

As some of you know, moving to Alaska was not a decision that I have been particularly excited about.  The distance from friends and family, well, that's not so fun, but I have learned that there are good friends to be made in every place and technology and travel make the distance seem less.  But I’m not fond of living in the snow.  Apparently, during the spring and summer, you have to be careful of bears that wander through the neighborhood.  There are gnats and no-see-ums.  If you want to have a baby attended by a doctor, you have to fly 300 miles away to Anchorage.  And worst of all, Nate’s work schedule will take him away from home for up to 70 hours a week, up to 7 days a week, for the 6 month busy season.  That is the part I really balked at. 

However, when my dear husband came to me with this proposition and asked me to carefully consider it, I could not dismiss it, as much as I wanted to.  I cried more than once.  I tried to not think about it.  I listed all the reasons why we’d be better off if we just stayed where we were for a while longer.  I (sad to say) had a period of feeling very sulky, and even angry.  I knew how excited Nate was for this opportunity, and how unhappy he was with our current job.  I wanted him to be happy! But why couldn’t he just be happy where we were?  It wouldn’t go away.

And so I finally did bring it before the Lord.  I laid out my feelings in raw honesty, acknowledging even the immature, selfish, unkind ones.  Choking on the words, I asked him to help me set aside my desires and see what would be best for our family, not just me.  It was hard.  So many times I went back and forth, “Help me see clearly, Lord, and do what’s right….BUT I REALLY JUST WANT THIS!...Help me put that all aside and live by love and wisdom…BUT I DON’T WANT TO GO!!!...Help me, please!”

          I could not deny the answer.  Though my personal feelings hadn’t changed, there was peace surrounding the decision to go to Alaska.  “Whither thou goest, I will go; Where thou lodgest, I will lodge…”  So we came.

It’s been a crazy, whirlwind, skin-of-your-teeth move, and I really haven’t had much time to think about it amid all the hurry of making it all come together.  Last night, after moving into our new home, the fog rolled back in.  Eden had been up late with us moving, and then the bed was…well, we shall say less than what we had hoped for.  There were no curtains on the windows and outside was still bright, so while I tried to help our little girl wind down, Nate had to dig out the tin foil and borrow some duct tape to cover the bedroom window so she could sleep. After she finally succumbed to her tiredness, we came downstairs and sat at the kitchen table in the dark.  Thoughts swirled through my head, and I bit my tongue and stared out the window at the dimly gleaming snow.  What have I agreed to?!

This morning, Nate pulled out a box Jiffy cornbread mix from our suitcases and baked it for breakfast in the 9x13 pan (the only one we brought), resulting in a very thin, slightly crispy cake we broke up in our bowls and ate with milk like cereal.  As he baked, I read out loud from 2^nd Nephi, chapter 32.  I kept having to stop and reread the verses.  The words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.  The Holy Ghost will show you all things what ye should do. 

I remembered how I came to agree to this decision.  I was told.  I was shown.  So I will live with it.  And He will “consecrate (our) performance unto (us), that (our) performance may be for the welfare of (our) souls.”