Sometimes, the actual distance becomes very real. When you've been without a phone for two weeks, when your internet connection has been spotty and not in real time with real acquaintances, when the world outside is covered in wet, white slipperiness and the only living things you've talked to all week besides your husband and baby are two neighborhood dogs you first thought were the neighborhood wolves you'd been warned about - oh, right, I did actually get to talk to the two people who came to install our local landline yesterday - you realize how far away you are. And when the baby has been fighting sleep for an hour every nap and bed time for the last three days, but when you let her stay up she's just cranky and unhappy anyway, its easy to feel the negativity creep, roll, swirl back in. Grumpiness. Resentment. Bitterness. Frustration. Ugly words. Ugly emotions. Easy to sink in the slow quicksand of self-absorption.
But like I told my friend upon learning of this move - "I am not happy about it, but being unhappy won't make me happy, so I'm trying to be happy about it." Ultimately, no one else is going to "save" me from this. Others can comfort, distract, and help with some of the struggle, but I know from past experience that if I want to actually get out of the quicksand, I have to reach up to the only One who can really lift me out of it and choose to hold on. His hand is extended and He is willing to help me, it is true, but I have to choose to raise my arms and cling to His outstretched hand. Its sounds so trite, almost, and easy, so picturesque and storybook, but let me tell you - it is not. It doesn't happen just by saying. It doesn't work to make a token effort and then expect the miracle of salvation.
Sometimes we say, "Well, I tried and it didn't work, so really what I need is ____." What I really need is whatever other fix seems attractive and available and easy - shopping, medication, chocolate, a girl's night out, etc. (Please note: I am NOT saying these things are bad or that they can't help. Sometimes they are needed and can help, and if they are in our power, great! Go for it!) We think the solution would be to change the situation. (Again, sometimes that IS the solution; I'm not against that!)
When its really hard, though, and those other things are not available, or don't help, and you can't (or shouldn't) change the situation, I've found that the real solution is to change myself. And that is HARD. And sometimes I just don't want to! But then it comes back down to the question -
Do I really want to be happy?
Because if I do, the choice is clear. Do the work it takes to cling onto His hand. Choose every day, every hour, every minute if you have to, to focus on Him. Choose to fill your mind and heart with His words, His promises, His praises, to the conscious exclusion of the negativity and darkness that lurks ever-ready. Choose to trust Him and trust that He has a plan for you and that somehow, this is part of His plan.
I know it works, because it's worked before, in darker, harder, worse situations than this. I just have to do it.
And, hey! I'm a daughter of the pioneers! Talk about "so far away!" Maybe I should just pull up my, er, bootstraps, and realize how good I really have it!
I recently read an article in the April Ensign ("Of You It Is Required to Forgive")with a passage that reminds me of your thoughts:
ReplyDelete"Alma teaches us that faith is like a seed that can be planted in our hearts (see Alma 32:28–43). If we nurture the seed and let it grow, it will produce good fruit. The fruit is what shows us that the seed was good. This analogy suggests to me that if there are good seeds, there are also bad ones. We have to identify these bad seeds and seek guidance in knowing how to keep them from taking root and growing in our heart."
I had never thought of this teaching in the negative light, that we can plant bad seeds as well as good ones. It comes down to choosing to remove the bitter thoughts and changing our attitudes. Or, as you put it, asking ourselves, "Do I really want to be happy?"
I've been a little overwhelmed with my new calling, but my parents keep reminding me that I don't have to figure it all out in one week or be perfect at it right away. It might take weeks, months even, to feel like I have a handle on things. I hope you don't beat yourself up if, after deciding you're going to be happy, you still have down days. The hope is the good moments/hours/days start outweighing the bad ones!
Sorry to be sermonizing :) Hope these thoughts are uplifting in some way!!
Thanks, Allison. YW president is a pretty overwhelming calling!-but I'm sure that you are already blessing the lives of those girls. And you're right, just deciding to be happy doesn't mean it happens right away! It just means that you push forward towards it instead of waiting for it to come to you!
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